A Comedian's Guide to the Bible

By Thor Ramsey

You may be asking, "Why cover the Bible with humor, something Christians haven't been noted for having in the first place?" Christians have always been funny, just not on purpose. The Bible is the best-selling book every year. Yet, oddly, most of us never ask comedians, "What does it all mean?" Well, we should because they're often funnier than pastors. The Bible is easier to understand than...okay, it's not always that easy to understand. But it is important and just for the sake of avoiding ignorance, everyone should give it a read. You can use these 10 points as your inspiration to pick it up.

Divine Give A Talking-To (or Inspirational Reprimands)

"All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness" (2 Tim. 3:16). In other words, when you tell someone off, quote the Bible

Author: Moses; Ghostwriter: God

Whenever you tell someone that you believe that the Bible is God's Word, they often look at you funny. So I've determined that this is no way to begin a conversation with the convenience store clerk. Just take your beer and go home.

Frisked for Jesus

Quoting the Bible unwisely can do more harm than good. Next time you get pulled over for speeding, quote Mark 5:13 to the officer, "The unclean spirits entered the pigs," and see if things don't go worse for you from then on.

Impress the Youth Group: Cool Things to Call the Bible

Sometimes I'll call the Bible "the Biblioteque." That's kind of a cool French word. (A Biblioteque is a place where people who believe in the Bible go to dance.)

End of the World Blowout Sale: 50% Off All Bibles

The word "Bible" comes from the Greek word biblia, and it means "books." The Bible actually contains 66 books, but they're all published together in one volume because the Bible was written before marketing was invented. It's okay to fib in church as long as you call it marketing.

The Bible's Oral Tradition (Which Has Nothing to Do with Mr. Roberts)

The Old Testament was written a long, long time ago, thus its fitting name. It wasn't written down initially. It was passed on orally, but the Israelites wrote it down after a nasty canker sore outbreak. Tradition says that Moses wrote the first five books of the Bible, but due to insufficient evidence, we don't really know what kind of advance he received.

The Silk Robe Church Crisis

After the New Testament books were made official, about 400 years after the birth of Jesus, everyone in ministry was given a really nice robe, and soon the Church became lazy; but what do you expect when you spend all day lounging around in a robe? The Church of Lazy neglected to practice some really good ideas that Jesus propagated, like loving your neighbor as yourself and not giving false witness. The neglect of these ideas is known as the Crusades and the Inquisition.

The Great Tradition of the Mother-in-Law Joke

The Bible says to honor your father and mother. It says nothing about your mother-in-law. This is because God never gives us more than we can handle.

Graham Crackers and Kool-Aid Complex

For a while, I called the Bible "the Scriptures" because it sounded more mature and intelligent. "The Bible" just sounded so "B-i-b-l-e, yes that's the book for me." It sounded so Sunday school. It just had negative connotations to me, like Bible-thumper. I'm against thumping in general, let alone with a Bible.

Freedom Through Manipulation

According to the Bible, adultery is the only legitimate reason for divorce. So, if you're unhappily married, you might want to stack your home Bible study group with attractive people and encourage your spouse to mingle.

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