5 Animals That Are Terrifyingly Hard to Kill
Oh shit, no! Don't take that as a challenge!
#5. East African Giant Snails
As previously mentioned, the East African giant snail is just like a normal snail, that can grow up to eight-inches long. Easily big enough to cross the cuteness threshold and venture firmly into "living slime penis" territory. Look at this shit; they're actually big enough register facial expressions:
"Did you just call me a living slime penis, dickhead?"
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
While seemingly identical in form to their adorable (and easily crushable) counterparts, the East African giant snail is the John McClane of the snail kingdom.
Yippie Ki Yay, motherfucker!
But come on! Even the Die Hard of snails is still a goddamn snail, how tough can it be to take one out? Well, try asking some East Africans: In areas infested with the snails, locals have tried quarantines, pesticides, poisons, introducing other predators--they did everything but bust out the pulse rifles and flamethrowers Alien-style just to kill these stu- What's that?
Oh, they actually did bust out the flame throwers? For snails? Doesn't that seem like overkill?
Sure, a little bit. But keep in mind, to consider something overkill it usually has to work. That's right: Even flamethrowers did not curb the advance of the East African giant snail. So how did they finally stop them?
They didn't.
#4. Water Bears
Now, listen: Just stay with us here. We know what you're thinking: "Everybody knows bears are destructible. Just ask Teddy Roosevelt; he couldn't even get an erection unless he choked out a bear first."
Seriously.
And you're totally right, but these aren't bears like Yogi--they're bears like the microscopic, water-dwelling creatures. Wait, what? Why is a water-borne micro-organism named after a bear? According to this source, it's because they "move smoothly like a bear," which is... a little odd. We don't commonly consider the bear the Justin Timberlake of the animal kingdom. But judging by the site's further elaboration that the water bears have "the color and surface texture of one of those sweet bear gums loved by children," it becomes clear that the author is both 80-years old and Swedish--so we'll just let the bizarre name slide. Besides, it does kind of look like an adorable little Gummy Bear:
Maybe melted a little, but still both huggable and delicious.
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
For some reason, the adorableness of a given creature goes down in direct proportion with its resistance to death. Fragility is a key element to cuteness, and that's why you're about to find the water bear a whole lot less wuvable: They are goddamned indestructible. Freeze 'em? Nope. They can survive at -273 degrees Celsius (only a few away from absolute zero). Well, nuking always ruins things, right? Pepperoni Hot Pockets and the Japanese might agree with you, but these critters can revert back to a sort of "freeze-dried" form at anytime-- making them impervious to radiation, and also liquid nitrogen, contact with mineral acids, organic solvents and probably emotional abuse. So, one logical solution is left to us: Blast the fuckers into space.
So long, dickbags!
Hey! That actually works!
...After 10 days. That's how long water bears-- tiny little unarmored animals with skin, claws, eyes, muscles and all the factors we commonly associate with things that die in the abyss of the cosmos--can survive with absolutely no protection in the dead void of outer space.
Sure, they're harmless to humans. But they can travel through space naked, and there are millions of them, and they can be found virtually everywhere, probably even in your house. Right now.
#3. Zombie Bugs
The tree weta is a mix between a giant cockroach, a cricket and everything that is wrong with the world. They typically live in holes in the ground, or crevices in trees, so thankfully they're one of those things that you can avoid by never going outside.
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
The tree weta has a special protein in their blood that prevents water from freezing, allowing them to go into a deep freeze and still have their blood flowing when they wake back up.
And forgive us for our candor, but so fucking what?
When we call our girlfriend in to kill bugs for us, she doesn't usually put them in the refrigerator. It's like a bug with an auto-coat. Good for it. As long as it fits neatly beneath a shoe while we scream in the corner, we're good.
"Is it dead? Should I call the police?"
Ah, but you know us: We're like M. Night Shyamalan without the pretension--there's always a twist. They're not just resistant to freezing, their brains and hearts actually completely die when frozen, then somehow recover good as new when thawed out.
It dies, and then it lives again.
It is undead.
That's right, zombies are technically real. God apparently didn't think they were freaky enough on their own, so he shaped them like giant cockroaches too.
#2. Lungfish
The lungfish is one of the oldest species living today. Its lineage traces directly to a species alive right after the breakup of Pangaea--which Wikipedia tells us was the original super-continent and not, as we have for years assumed, some sort of tragically disbanded Dinosaur Speedmetal group.
Nor is there a hipster version.
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
The lungfish--as you may have cleverly guessed by the inclusion of the "fish" descriptor--is an aquatic creature. But unlike most aquatic creatures, they have learned to endure the occasional prolonged dry spell, with one branch of the family even doing so yearly. They burrow themselves deep down into the ground and secrete a mucous substance around them--like a snot cocoon (hope you're not reading this at breakfast time. Still want that key lime yogurt?)--which preserves the moisture in their bodies. Their metabolic rate then drops into a state of aestivation, allowing them to go without nutrients for very long periods of time.
Just like the Cracked staff.
A science lab in East Africa witnessed this phenomena firsthand when a lungfish, while being transported in an air-tight metal cylinder full of mud (a method of travel a lungfish could easily survive for a brief time), became lost during the trip. When they finally recovered it after six months of being shipped from lab to lab, the mud in the cylinder had long since hardened and the air had been depleted, basically burying the poor thing alive.
"Shit, we didn't really think this through."
Which was totally cool with the lungfish; after the team added a little water, it popped right back to life -- perfectly fine in every respect.
They buried it alive without air or moisture for six months and couldn't kill it. If Hollywood has taught us anything, that's enough motivation for the lungfish to don a sinister cloak and start killing teenagers with a hacksaw.
#1. Immortal Jellyfish
Scientists have a habit of giving animals names that take certain liberties (for example, they might see that something has "skin" and call it a bear, because bears also have skin,) but this time science was telling us the facts straight up: Immortal jellyfish do not die. Ever.
Great! So How Do I Kill It?
The immortal jellyfish are born, develop and reach full maturity like any other gelatinous spawn of the ocean. However, instead of going to the Great Barrier Reef in the sky at the end of life, they simply revert back to a polyp (that's fancy Water Science talk for "baby"). In theory this could go on forever. Right now you're probably feeling a little gypped by this entry: "In theory? Lame! I guess it was unreasonable of me to expect something on Earth to literally live forever, though."
Was it?
Sorry.
Nah, we're just fucking with you: They're totally immortal, which is resulting in a giant influx in the jellyfish population. Millions of years ago, the first of these jellyfish was born, and somewhere in the ocean it's still living today.
"Get out of my way, you young punks!"
Our only hope is that when two immortal jellyfish get together they have to swordfight to the death because "there can be only one." Otherwise, we all better practice breathing gelatin because it's gonna get straight Jellyfish up in here.
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