Did you know that actress Kirstie Alley has become monstrously fat -- again! Yes. She feels horrible about it, like she's let down a bunch of people. She'll be on Oprah tomorrow to talk about her adipose deposits. Personally, I weep for her. Scientologists are mean to fat people, and besides, no celebrity should ever suffer.
Which is why I pace the floorboards of my bungalow wringing my hands over the terror that has gripped Hollywood in this swine flu mega-catastrophe. You may be thinking of yourself and your miserable little family, but have you given a thought to all the celebrities that might be in peril? Well, have you?
Mel Gibson went out last night with that plasticized Russian hussy he left his wife for. Oooh, I can't stand that Mel Gibson. I hope Mrs. Gibson and her lawyer takes him to the cleaners, and gets custody of the sedevacantist chapel and everything.
(Ah, the vulgar pleasures of watching the first seven minutes of "Entertainment Tonight" for the first time in years. I should do this more often. While drinking gin. Celebrities' lives are so much more interesting than mine.)
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