Millions of us watched the Olympic Games for two wonderful weeks in February 2002. Millions of us watched beautiful young people compete for glory, strive for their personal bests, and play for the sheer joy of sport. Millions of us were entranced as we watched human weaknesses (cheating, doping, arrogance) pitted against human strengths (fairness, grace under pressure, humility).
“Goodness” was the big winner at these Games. The Skating Federation did the right thing and awarded a double gold. The cheaters and dopers were stripped of medals. The winners were celebrated. The honest losers weren’t losers at all because they too were honored and celebrated for their determination, courage, talent, and perseverance. Despite tremendous fears of another 9/11 disaster, security measures worked and everyone left safe and whole. For 17 days, much of the world was able to join together to enjoy each other, to cheer each other on, and to treat each other fairly. These are all reasons for hope.
As Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee, said, “It takes more than crossing the line first to be a champion. It also takes playing fair and not doping.” What a wonderfully simple, clear message for young people: Play fair and stay off drugs and you can be a champion in what you do.
Yes, I know. The world often is unfair. And part of being a good parent is teaching our children to negotiate unfairness. But it’s also part of good parenting to emphasize to our children that they can and should contribute to the good in the world by being fair — even when living in an unfair world. It’s a difficult concept to teach our kids. It’s a difficult standard to keep ourselves. It’s often a leap of faith to think that fairness even works. But as the Olympics so vividly demonstrated, when we do manage to do it, everybody wins.
Model, Teach, and Remind
It’s important to model being fair first. When we wait for the other guy to treat us well before we do the right thing, we teach our children that morality is conditional. If instead we work from a position of fairness, regardless of what others say and do, we model a principle for living well. The Russian hockey team was impressive at the Olympics. In spite of their concerns that the American NHL referees would judge them unfairly, in spite of the fact that they lost, they poured out onto the ice at the end of the game and offered enthusiastic congratulations to the winning Americans. They didn’t wait to see what the Americans would do. They didn’t offer their hands in a perfunctory way. Instead, they clapped the victors on the shoulders, encouraging everyone to celebrate the joy of a game well played.
It’s important to teach kids that fairness is not the same as sameness. I once observed a mother of two rambunctious and argumentative boys take excruciating care to cut two slices of cake so that they were exactly the same size. You know what happened next: neither kid was satisfied. Each was convinced that the other had the larger piece and that it WASN’T FAIR!
What wasn’t fair had nothing to do with the size of cake slices. What wasn’t fair was that this mother was teaching her kids to expect to get exactly what they thought was due them at every instance. Constantly on guard for unfairness, these kids were sure to find it. How much better to teach kids that sometimes you get the bigger piece, sometimes the smaller one, but that when people are of general good will, things usually work out as they should.
During the Olympics, I was struck by the athletes’ acceptance that things aren’t always exactly fair. The moguls get more beaten up with each skier. The ice is different for the first skater after the Zamboni than it is for the skater who competes later. The weather at the top of the hill might be different for the first few downhill skiers (or bobsledders or lugers or jumpers) than it is for the last few. Regardless, each athlete took his or her turn and made the best of it. It was enough that every effort was made to create a level playing field. But no one expected that everything would be exactly even.
It’s important to show kids how to rise above unfairness. When Canadians Sale and Pelletier lost the gold to the Russian skating pair, almost everyone in the arena thought it was unfair. But to the credit of both pairs of skaters, neither team blamed or attacked the other. Both responded to an unfair situation with grace and class. In the end, both teams won gold in the medals they wore and in the high regard they inspired from skating fans everywhere. The message to kids is vital: You can be fair even if the situation isn’t.
Do Your Best and Do Your Best To Be Fair
Fairness training, like most things we teach our children, is a combination of modeling, teaching, and reminding — lots of reminding. Fortunately, we don’t have to do all the reminding ourselves. Sometimes the splendor of fairness just blazes across our television screens in a stunning array of languages, colors, and creeds.
For this, I am thankful to the Olympic athletes, commentators, and all those behind the scenes who offered a profusion of role models, lessons, and experiences in the value of fairness. They gave us a wonderful Olympics. Those 17 days in Salt Lake stand as a clear reminder — to adults as well as children — of the good will and good feelings that happen when people do their best and do their best to be fair.
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