In the new movie "Not Easily Broken," based on the bestselling novel by T.D. Jakes and arriving in theaters January 9th, family hardships are highlighted in dramatic fashion by the relationship of Dave and Clarice Johnson. After years of quietly growing apart, their marriage is further tested both by outside events and the inner ambivalence each of them feels. Dave finds himself alienated in his daily life and unfulfilled in his career, while the usually independent Clarice finds him pulling away just when a car accident leaves her surprisingly vulnerable and in need of his attention. Their goals and desires aren't meshing, despite the love that drew them together in the beginning. Ultimately, the choices Dave and Clarice make in the face of these difficulties will test the bonds they've forged in ways they never dreamed. Only faith and deep devotion can set their family back on track.
Essentially, "Not Easily Broken" asks us all the same question, "What do you do when your family is in crisis?" Well, there are many ways to handle family hardships. Here are a few productive suggestions.
Rally Together; Don't Pick Each Other Apart
During stressful times, the temptation to let off steam by picking fights or criticizing the people around us can be nearly overwhelming. With our families, that temptation too often becomes reality. The social boundaries we feel in polite society tend to blur with our loved ones, giving us the illusion we have free rein to sling the harshest of verbal arrows just when the recipient may least be able to absorb the blows. After all, we're family, right? Family sticks with us no matter what--don't they? Well, maybe so, but that togetherness is a lot more enjoyable when it's accompanied by loving-kindness, especially so in times of need, when resources may be stretched thin. So next time you feel the urge to vent on your family, take a deep breath and try treating them the way you'd treat a boss or an elder… with diplomacy and respect.Praise Each Other's Efforts
Get in the habit of giving kudos for little things, from a round of applause for a properly-loaded dishwasher to a pat on the back for folding the laundry. Take time to notice the things your family does right, and make sure they know you noticed. For instance, my husband and I are sickeningly polite when it comes to our domestic tasks. "Great job making the bed, honey," I'll say on chore day, and he'll reply, "Way to vacuum that floor, sweetie!" Goofy as it sounds, it gives us both a warm, appreciated feeling and banishes lingering resentments. When tough times come around, that habit of support and positive reinforcement helps see us through. We've created a safe, loving bubble where we stand united, us against the world.Zero In on the Specific Need
Sometimes hard times strike families quickly, with a scary diagnosis or a sudden tragedy. A financial crisis or act of nature can stun us and leave us reeling off course. Other times, hardship has been creeping up on us like a slow leak in a tire. Either way, it's important to zero in on the precise nature of the crisis, and then focus on what actions each member of the family can take to make it right. Sit down together for a brainstorming session, ask everyone for one suggestion that might help alleviate the pressure--perhaps taking shifts at someone's hospital bed, or pooling resources to help pay a bill. If it's an emotional crisis, try to stay on task and seek the bigger picture, asking primarily, "What is my responsibility in this, and how can I help resolve it?"Just Be There
Sometimes just being there for someone you love, not trying to do anything, is what helps most. For instance, often when my husband is upset, I’ll want to charge in and "fix" the problem, when he really just wants someone to hear his concerns. He can deal with whatever he needs to, he just needs to know I've got his back. Similarly, when a dear friend was grieving the loss of her father, I discovered what she needed most was my silent, unwavering support, not my interference or advice. Honoring your loved ones' need to discover their own way through hardship can be a powerful thing--so long as they know they can call on you at the right time.Seek Spiritual Help from Your Community
Too often in this modern era, families find themselves isolated in small units. We don't always have the extensive social networks we once enjoyed. But in times of hardship, we learn how important the greater social fabric can be to our own fragile security. Finding a support group to help us with grief, or a recovery group for addiction, for instance, can open up our struggles to a pool of generous new friends who are eager to help. Many of us benefit from attending a service or becoming active in a religious or spiritual organization, where the family's spiritual and practical needs can often be addressed. Remember, don't close in, open up when times are tough.Seek Professional Help
Sometimes it's not enough to look to our community or our extended network of family or friends. There are occasions when only a professional can really assist us. A marriage counselor, for instance, may be more qualified to save a relationship than an opinionated friend or in-law. A debt advisor probably has better information than your cousin's boyfriend's car mechanic in times of financial crisis. A social worker may be able to help us find assistance for a sick or troubled relative. Seeking out the resources available to us, difficult or counterintuitive as it may be, is a powerful tool that can help a struggling family stay afloat.Plan a Treat for the Family
It might seem impossible to take energy away from an emergency to have a little fun with your family. Often when we're dealing with hardship, the world can seem dim and dreary, and all we can think of is the immediate need in front of us. However, a sense of humor and a little pampering can build up a store of strength that'll help see you through in the long run. Even if it's as little as having an ice-cream sundae party with your family or dancing around the house to a good song for half an hour, remembering the joy good times bring can really reset your perspective and strengthen your will to keep going. Once things calm down, maybe it'll be time to plan something larger, like a vacation.
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