Celebrity Bible Characters

Genesis, the Movie: Celebrities as Bible Characters

By Paul Asay

Whoever was responsible for the Bible knew it was important to start off with a big bang (so to speak), and the Good Book does not disappoint. Genesis is loaded with enough duplicity, romance, and action to make an unforgettable Hollywood blockbuster. But if such a blockbuster were made, who should play the major parts? Well, Beliefnet has a few ideas for celebrity casting.

Brad Pitt as Adam

Just what kind of dude would God create from the "dust of the ground" and breathe life into? Who would be mankind's first template--the man crafted in God's own image? It'd have to be a guy who was handsome enough to top People's "Sexiest Man Alive" list. Twice.

Natalie Portman as Eve

We were tempted to stunt-cast Brangelina for creation's first couple, but let's face it: Angelina Jolie is a little too sultry to have been hatched so early in creation. So we're going with Portman, who can express innocence, seduction, guilt, and pain--all with a single bat of an eye.

Kiefer Sutherland as Cain

Cain may be history's first killer--he offed his brother, Abel, then lied to God about it--but Cain doesn't think of himself as all that bad a guy, just misunderstood. Sutherland has made a career of modeling long-suffering, self-righteous rage as Jack Bauer on Fox's "24": who better to be the Bible's official "restless wanderer" and clip off the line, "Am I my brother's keeper?" If only he could tell God that while using his cell phone.

Owen Wilson as Abel

Abel doesn't get any lines in Genesis. He doesn't even get a decent dramatic death scene. But Wilson's affable slacker persona--paired with the fact that God liked the guy's offering better than his brother's--would be enough to set Sutherland's Cain to seething.

Danny Glover as Noah

The Bible tells us that Noah was 600 years old when God told him to whip up an ark, which makes him a tricky guy to cast. He had to be spry enough to build the boat, patient enough to herd a gazillion animals into the thing, good-hearted enough to win God's favor, and comic enough to draw hard-hearted guffaws from his neighbors. Glover--with a nice, grizzled beard--is our guy.

Robert De Niro as Abraham

Abraham was history's original Godfather. He wasn't so much a simple shepherd as a wandering heavy, battling with local warlords, and occasionally rescuing his brother, Lot, from the clutches of nearby kings. He was duplicitous enough to twice offer his wife to powerful leaders, but still favored by God, who blessed him with countless nations--most of which are, strangely enough, also now at war. Who but De Niro could play this guy?

Glenn Close as Sarah

Who says the Bible doesn't have any interesting women? Sarah is a beautiful, jealous, conniving woman who laughs at inappropriate times and, despite all her faults, was Abraham's lifelong squeeze. Glenn Close has the moxie to make this role sing, and we'd love to watch her glower at husband Abraham and handmaiden Hagar. "I will not be ignored, Abraham!" Too bad the source material doesn't have her boil a rabbit.

Keisha Castle-Hughes as Hagar

Poor Hagar. Sarah tells her to sleep with Abraham, so she does. Sarah wants her to get pregnant, and she does. And what happens when all this comes to pass? Sarah has Abraham throw Hagar and her kid into the desert. We'll feel far sorrier for Keisha Castle-Hughes (of "Whale Rider" and "The Nativity Story") than we would if, say, we cast Cher in this part. And we'll be all the happier when God takes her under His wing.

Richard Dreyfuss as Lot

Lot thought he was making a wise choice when he split with big brother Abraham and took the best grazing land for himself. But he winds up as the hard-luck guy in Genesis--a tragi-comic figure who, at one juncture, seems to channel classic comedians ("Take my wife—please!"). Dreyfuss seems like a guy who could pull this role off--after all, he's tangled with everything from aliens to gigantic sharks. Angelic houseguests and high-sodium spouses seem right in line.

Denise Richards as Lot's Wife

She has no lines. She has no name. Lot's wife is famous for one thing: turning into a pillar of salt when she took one last glance at the doomed city of Sodom. All of which makes Denise Richards--a beautiful actress with dubious talent--perfect for this role. Plus, the part would give her something to do besides meet her ex-hubby (Charlie Sheen) in court and appear in horrid reality shows.

Shia LaBeouf as Young Isaac

Isaac could've taken down his pops Abraham had he wanted to. By the time God told Abraham to sacrifice his son, Abe was an old, old man and Isaac was probably a strapping young lad--big enough, anyway, to carry the wood for the subsequent burnt offering. But Isaac didn't question his dad's wishes, and we think LaBeouf would bring just the right touch of bewildered obedience to the, um, altar.

Jeremy Irons as Old Isaac

Isaac was a blind, doddering oldster by the time his own son Jacob was tricking the dickens out of him, but he was still lucid enough to dole out a whale of a blessing. Jeremy Irons--a guy tough enough to face down De Niro in "The Mission" and kill off Glenn Close in "Reversal of Fortune"--will be among old friends here.

Adam Sandler as Jacob

The name "Jacob" in Hebrew can mean "trickster," and our first choice to play this guy would've been the late Heath Ledger, who did such a bang-up job playing another, less heroic jokester this summer. But Adam Sandler can handle this plum role just fine, in our opinion—from his immature trickery with his father to his wrestling match with the Angel. One thing, though: We'd sure like to see Drew Barrymore play Rachel.

Denzel Washington as Joseph

Granted, Washington wouldn't look a heckuva lot like his on-screen father, Jacob. He's got the gravitas, though, to make his rise to the upper echelons of Egyptian power--not once, but twice--a little more realistic. And he'd look darn spiffy in a coat of many colors.

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