We’re told that cancer can be a gift—I couldn’t agree less. I learned how to cope from life, not from my tumor.
I discovered I had breast cancer in June 2004 during a routine mammogram. It was caught early and hadn’t spread, but I still had to deal with almost nine months of treatment, from lumpectomy to chemo to radiation. And what I learned from all that that drama was: not much.
I kept expecting there would be something, some new wisdom, that would make it all "worth it." But no. It was most certainly NOT a gift (if you think cancer is a gift, I really hope you're not my Secret Santa this year). And then it dawned on me that survival was its own reward, and that it was plenty.
Cancer didn't teach me lessons that changed my life—my life taught me lessons that changed my cancer experience. Here are five lessons I didn't learn from breast cancer (and one big one I did).
Lesson One: Denial Is Your Best Friend
Denial is a great coping technique when you’ve just learned you have breast cancer. Embrace it. Make it work for you. Do not give it nights or weekends off. Denial helps you adjust to the harsh reality without being totally overwhelmed by it. When I got the news, I told myself, “This won’t be so bad. I’ll just have cancer for 20 minutes.” Later I learned that while it was true I had cancer very briefly, the treatment to make sure it didn’t come back was going to mess up the better part of a year. But who wanted to think about that? One small crisis at a time, telling yourself it’s nothing you can’t handle, really helps.
Where I Really Learned This Lesson:
I’ve spent much of my career creating new programs for TV, radio, and the internet. I know from experience that the odds are usually against launching the next huge hit, but I also know that if you can remain in denial about all the obstacles in your way, you have a lot more fun and you probably improve your chances of success.
Lesson Two: Delegate, Don’t Abdicate
You have to allow doctors and other caregivers to take on a lot of responsibility, whether you want to or not. But that doesn’t mean you abdicate your own authority. Remember that they all work for you (yes, even that intimidating doctor and needle-wielding nurse).
Where I Really Learned This Lesson:
I just hated having to hand my three-month-old baby girl to a babysitter when my maternity leave ended and I had to return to work. How could a nanny replace me, the (exhausted) mommy? But when I returned home that first evening, I was greeted by a happy, freshly bathed and fed baby, and the house was spotless. I realized I had never managed to have all of that accomplished by 6 p.m. in the entire three months I was home. Clearly, my babysitter could handle the responsibility.
Lesson Three: Listen to Your Inner Voice
Before you make a decision, especially on an issue you’ve never had to deal with before, listen to your inner voice. Of course you also have to listen to the experts advising you, but if your gut tells you something just isn’t right, find out why. Don’t be afraid to challenge the conventional wisdom if it doesn’t feel right for you. Ask as many questions as you need to.
Where I Really Learned This Lesson:
In my years as a television news producer, I had to make a zillion decisions every day. Sometimes they were no-brainers, but sometimes I agonized over whether to do a particular story or book a particular guest, especially if it seemed that the only reason to do it was for ratings. Eventually I learned that if the little voice inside my head was telling me I was going to hate myself for doing something, it was best to listen, not for my career (definitely!), but for my peace of mind.
Lesson Four: Never Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Why do so many of us refuse to ask for help, or even accept unsolicited offers? Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. So let your loved ones contribute to your recovery; ask for help and allow them to give it. You are not a burden. And caregivers, if you want to help, saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” is pretty lame. Offer to do something specific—don’t make the patient worry about whether she’s asking too much of you.
Where I Really Learned This Lesson:
I was once given a prime-time special to produce with a staff that was too small to get the job done on time. But because I thought asking for more help would reflect badly on me, I just resolved to pick up all the extra work myself, even if it killed me. Fortunately, my director could see I was drowning, and he got me some help just in time. That experience taught me what I consider to be the most important lesson of my career: admit when you don’t know something or need help. Most people will respect your honesty and you’ll create a more collaborative, less competitive environment.
Lesson Five: Patience Is Highly Overrated
I have the patience of a five-year-old waiting for cake at a birthday party. Maybe that’s why I find value in impatience. I find that if you demand instant results, you may not get them instantly, but you’ll probably get them faster than you would have by waiting patiently. When it comes to cancer, sometimes your patience is requested for someone else’s convenience, or because you’re on a standardized “treatment timetable” that may not be right for you. Speak up (politely, of course) if you wonder about the amount of time needed for a treatment or test result.
Where I Really Learned This Lesson:
Because I am forever trying to avoid any circumstance that requires me to Wait Patiently, I am a very good planner. I have learned from experiences ranging from massive delays on the Long Island Expressway to massive delays getting a reporter on the air that it’s crucial to have an alternate plan already figured out. Besides, when you rattle off Plan B to those around you, you look like a brilliant problem-solver, (ideally, at least) instead of a crazy person whose head seems about to explode.
The One Big Lesson
Cancer Doesn’t Change Who You Are, It Confirms Who You Are
How you react in a crisis, how you make decisions, whom you turn to for support—these are part of the essence of who you are. The core values that were important to you before your diagnosis will be what helps you deal with it now. Some people are truly changed by the experience, but you may just find that when you resume your life, you’ll want to celebrate the person you always were, and still are.
When I Recognized This Lesson:
After the initial shock, I found myself dealing with breast cancer in the same way I deal with every major challenge in my life. I got through it with a little denial, a lot of humor, and with the confidence to trust that, guided by the medical team I’d chosen, I would make the right decisions. I had expected, based on media portrayals of the breast cancer experience, that it would reveal something big, an epiphany about life. But I didn’t have an Extreme Spiritual Makeover. And you know what? I realized afterward that I didn’t want one. The only growth I had was the one removed by my surgeon—and that’s just fine with me.
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