Being There

His wife is going through menopause and grieving the loss of her mother. How should he support her?

Do you have recommendations for people who want to transform for the next step in life?

People want step one, step two, step three. That’s not how a life changes. A life changes because you go, “Oh, wow. I get it.” And that is followed by something else that happens, and you go, “Right.” It’s layers of understanding.

When I was younger, Otis Redding sang "Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay," with the lyric, "sitting here resting my bones." And I thought that was silly because who rests their bones? So, years later, one day I hear myself saying to my daughter, “Honey, you go outside. Mommy’s going to just sit here and rest her bones.” I freaked out. I panicked. It’s like, it’s all over if I’m resting my bones.

I did this whole study within myself of what it meant that I was sitting down, and I thought about the Buddhist meditation, which I used to do, in which the goal was to enjoy sitting. When you’re younger, there is this hormonally-based adrenaline rush pulsing through your veins that makes it difficult to achieve a quiet mind and a quiet body.

Later, the evolutionary process is such that you find you’re just sitting there and it means something. If in fact the highest, most powerful work is the work of consciousness, then what we could do from our rocking chairs could literally rock the world.

Our generation is becoming contemplative. We are becoming reflective. I look back on so many of the mistakes I made. I would not have made them had I not been moving so fast.

So, we all become yogis by default.

That’s the thing--or we don’t. If we don’t, it’s called a slow cruise to death, and it can be really rough. That’s exactly the point. You either become a yogi or you become pathetic.

How are you taking care of your body and your spiritual practices? How has that changed as you’ve gotten older?

I’ve just taken it more seriously because there’s a higher price to pay for not doing it. At a certain period of life, your karma is more instant. That which you get right bears even greater fruit, and that which you get wrong bears harsher consequences--your ability to forgive, your ability to let go, or your physical exercise or yoga or whatever.

What's the most important spiritual practice?

Pray. The second most important thing, meditate. Third most important thing, do physical exercise and yoga. Then, the fourth most important thing, if moved to do so, read my book.

Do you feel like you’re reinventing yourself for a second life?

Reinvention doesn’t really say it for me. Nature doesn’t reinvent itself every spring. It does what it does. God invents you. As you get older, the spiritual opportunity is to drop that which is false and to reclaim your true self. T.S. Eliot in "Four Quartets" says, “You’re always going home. You’re going back home.” So, it’s not so much that you’re going forward, you’re coming full circle. You are dropping this artificial self that accumulated--the burdens, the disappointments, the fears, the falsehoods.

When I was younger, I didn’t understand how Emily Dickinson basically never left town and could know so much, but I do now. Everything is here.When you’re younger, you just want to go out and get rich--whatever that means. When you’re older, you realize that the issue is to know how rich life is. I think that’s where our nation needs to go, too, because this gargantuan drive to just expand is unsustainable.

That’s what I feel I’m going through in my life. I’m sitting in a room now, and I look at this lamp, and I remember I bought it in Los Angeles. Those silver candlesticks, they were my grandmother's. That bowl, my mother brought to me from Paris. That little ivory piece my girlfriend Victoria gave me for my birthday. That book over there my publisher gave me when I wrote "A Woman’s Worth." That statue over there, the board of directors of the church I was at gave me.

You realize, oh, my goodness, there’s so much in what’s here because once you’ve lived enough, it’s these things that matter. It’s not getting more. It’s learning to just be in such joy with what you have.

Is there anything I haven’t asked you that you would want to tell Beliefnet readers?

When the mirror is no longer telling you what you thought you would like to hear and the culture is no longer telling you what you thought you would like to hear, sometimes that’s when you finally have ears for what God wants to say to you. That’s when you hear him say things sweeter than the mirror ever told you and sweeter than the culture ever told you. That’s when you finally realize that you are loved, and you finally realize you are enough.

When you have really allowed that in, you emerge into a different place within yourself, and from that place life rocks.

Therefore, make the decision that you will outlast this problem. You will stay. This is your wife whom you love, and you will commit yourself to this marriage. Do this every morning as you awake. Commit deeply to the relationship for that one day. Don't worry about how long your problems will last. Simply commit.

You don't mention if you wife has sought help for her menopausal problems, but there are so many good approaches now that it is not necessary for women (or their partners) to suffer through this time of life "cold turkey." For example, hormone replacement therapy, whether one chooses an "all-natural" approach or a traditional medical approach, can be very effective. Often, however, a woman can become defensive if a man tells her she needs hormones. If there is another woman who is a friend to both of you, she might be able to broach this subject with your wife. Men often make the mistake of bringing up the subject of menopause during an argument, and this to a woman is an attack and a criticism. If there is some indirect way you can get information to her that will allow her more options, then certainly do that, but if this subject has become highly charged, it would be best to leave it alone.

One coping strategy that will help you get through this time is to stay in the present. This is simply a decision not to project problems into the future and not to do anything out of fear of the future. If your wife has a particularly bad day, you don't assume anything about tomorrow. Grief tends to come in waves and to last longer than most people think reasonable. Hormonal mood swings also can come and go as if by magic. But the truth you know about God's love and comforting presence is that it will never change. No matter what you're going through, remember your love for your wife and God's love for you both.

If you turn frequently to the One who is always faithful to you, this difficult period will gradually become easier and more peaceful. It is a great gift to remain in a relationship when problems arise. It makes a statement of faith that blesses not only your wife but also you and everyone your relationship touches.

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