We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and
pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition:
a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing
an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition:
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop
log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from
the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition:
A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see
an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition:
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition:
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition:
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap
that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that
creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition:
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user
who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time
in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
How To Poop At Work
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