Seven Steps to Improving Relationships

By Rabbi Brad Hirschfield

Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it need not always be painful. In fact, we all have within us the ability to sustain relationships even when we deeply disagree. When we reach our breaking point (as we all do), and need to walk away, we can do so in ways that make it more likely that we will come back together.

Here are seven ancient Talmudic steps to follow when confronted with a conflict. They create conversation--not denigration--and encourage us to talk about what matters most in ways that hurt the least.

Brad Hirschfield is the author of the new book, "You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right: Finding Faith without Fanaticism." He is the president of CLAL: The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership

1. Give Yourself a Break

Sometimes you need some distance-some time to cool off and reflect. But it should be just that, i.e., a limited amount of time after which you and the person with whom you are fighting agree to come back together and revisit the issues. A time out can be a great thing, as long as its design is to bring you back together.


2. Respect the Other Person's Dignity

The one whom you are in conflict with should never lose their value as a human being. No matter how right you think you are and how wrong they may be, don't deny their dignity; you will do more harm than good.




3. Experience Radical Empathy

We must do everything in our power to identify with the other person and their position before fighting for our own. Simply saying that we understand their point of view is not enough--be able to argue it well and present it as if you shared it yourself.



4. Acknowledge Your Partner's Wisdom

Before we can be their teacher, we must first become their student. We must accept that no matter how wrong someone is about one thing, they are unlikely to be wrong about everything. Nobody is smart enough to be 100 percent right or dumb enough to 100 percent wrong.



5. Know That Conflict Hurts Everyone

Appreciate that even when we are doing everything right in handling our relationships, we all pay a price when a conflict unfolds. Being right should not insulate us from feeling the pain that is a part of the conflict in which we are engaged.




6. Look First to Yourself

Even when we are right, we should always ask how we participate in creating and perpetuating the conflict. We all play the blame game sometimes, but it's important to point a thumb back at ourselves before a finger at the other person.




7. Remember, Being Right Is Not Enough

Remind ourselves that the only real justification for conflict with those about whom we care is that it addresses an issue, which is central to sustaining the relationship over time. If it's just about being right, then it probably isn't worth it.

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