If necessity is the mother of invention, then… Frustration is the father of masturbation!
Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger !
I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed.
Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fucking her!
The difference between sex and death is that, with death, you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Life without Friends is like Boobs without Nipples... POINTLESS !
Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face.
The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell the other: UNITED we are saved, Divided we are Fucked.
Old Proverb: A smile is a curve that makes everything straight.
New Proverb: Boobs are curves that make Something super straight...!
Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes.
Fuck a girl ; she'll love you... Love a girl; she'll fuck you!
All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.
The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's got you by the balls.
Some Wacky Mature Quotes
You Think English Is Easy?
The crazy English language
1. A bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full, it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present his present.
8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
11. There was a row amongst the oarsman about how to row.
12. They were too close to the door to close it.
13. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
14. A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer.
15. To help with the planting a farmer taught his sow to sow.
16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
18. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
19. How can I intimate this to my intimate friend ?
Let’s face it. English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
Mincemeat is sweet and doesn’t contain any meat at all.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham ?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth ?
If on your foot your wear a boot, then on your feet you should wear beet.
One goose, 2 geese. So, one mouse, 2 meese ? One mouse, 2 mice so one house, 2 hice ?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend ?
You can be disgruntled but not gruntled ?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it ?
If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught ?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ?
If I drink and get drunk, can I think what I thunk ?
Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital ? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship ?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, whilst a wise man and a wise guy are opposites ?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word, and that is “UP”.
It is easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does the topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP the report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning … people stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost ¼ of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways in which UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and one but I will wrap this UP for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP.
What Women Want in a Man?
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady ” splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that its the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
The Good Old Days, Before and After Internet
As time marches forward it is becoming increasingly difficult to remember what life was like before the Internet. For some of today's youth the Internet in it's current form has always existed. So let's take a moment to reminisce about what life was like before the Internet (and what has changed since it's conception) before we all forget.
Before: Family time was spent watching TV or playing board games together.
After: Family time is spent in separate corners of the house, each on their own computer instant messaging one another.
Before: People could properly spell and used decent grammar.
After: Now thx 2 IM and SMS, they spel lik dis. LOL!!!!!!
Before: We wrote letters to friends and loved ones far away, and maybe even the occasional Pen Pal.
After: Now we just forward joke e-mails and Internet hoaxes to loved ones and friends while not even bothering to remove the hundreds of forwarded addresses contained within the message. By the way, what's a Pen Pal?
Before: Door-to-door Encyclopedia salesmen.
After: Wikipedia donations.
Before: Recording industry execs making fat profits all-the-while complaining about the bootlegging of their music.
After: Recording industry execs making fat profits all-the-while complaining about illegal downloading via p2p networks.
Before: We used the Dewey Decimal System and Microfilm to find information at local Libraries.
After: Google
Before: Phone books
After: Search engines
Before: Teen lines
After: Cell phones, IM, SMS, email, Skype, etc...
Before: Floating checks to avoid overdrafting your checking account.
After: Immediately bouncing checks (or maybe you're asking yourself what is a Check?)
Before: Getting caught looking at your Father's Playboy.
After: Catching your Dad looking at Internet porn because he forgot to clear his browser history.
Before: Kids would hang out at Video Arcades, Malls, Roller Rinks, and pizza places.
After: Kids hang out at MySpace.com ...............Speaking of MySpace...
Before: I have a friend named Tom.
After: Everyone has a friend named Tom and no one realizes they can easily get rid of him.
Before: People went on blind dates or met people at the bar to find romance.
After: Now we sit at home alone and surf Match.com to find romance.
Before: We scoured the neighborhoods for Garage Sales with the best junk to buy.
After: eBay and Craigslist.
Before: VCRs and TV Guide
After: Tivo
Before: Walking billboards, bumper stickers and print advertising.
After: Viral videos and forehead advertising.
Before: Gossiping about a friend, neighbor, family member, or cow-orker.
After: We google people to get dirt on them.
Before: Shopping the day after Thanksgiving not quite sure of the deals you will find.
After: Planning your Black Friday assault in October thanks to web sites like BlackFridayAds.com.
Before: Newspapers, Radio, and TV.
After: Social news sites, Podcasts, and YouTube.
Before: Commuting to work by car, bus or train.
After: Telecommuting to work in your underwear.
Before: We got our news from the likes of Rather, Jennings and Brokaw.
After: We get our news from the likes of Stewart, Colbert, and Drudge.
Before: Children wrote letters to Santa Claus and mailed them to the North Pole.
After: Children send email to Santa Claus at northpole.com and track his progress Christmas Eve via satellites on NoradSanta.org
Before: Dear Diary, ....
After: Don't you read my blog?
Before: Broadway shows - The Sound of Music
After: Broadway shows - Avenue Q - The internet is for porn - porn, porn, porn,porn- The internet is for porn!!
Warning at Wal-Mart Supercenter
It happened at Wal-Mart Supercenter Store #1279, 10411 N Freeway 45, Houston, TX 77037 a month ago. I bought a bunch of stuff, over $150, & I glanced at my receipt as the cashier was handing me the bags. I saw a cash-back of $40. I told her I didn't request a cash back & to delete it. She said I'd have to take the $40 because she couldn't delete it. I told her to call a supervisor. Supervisor came & said I'd have
to take it. I said NO! Taking the $40 would be a cash advance against my Discover & I wasn't paying interest on a cash advance!!!!! If they couldn't delete it then they would have to delete the whole order. So the supervisor had the cashier delete the whole order & re-scan everything! The second time I looked at the electronic pad before I signed & a cash-back of $20 popped up. At that point I told the cashier & she deleted it. The total came out right. The cashier agreed that the electronic pad must be defective. Obviously the cashier knew the electronic pad was defective because she NEVER offered me the $40 at the beginning. Can you imagine how many people went through before me & at the end of her shift how much money she pocketed?
Just to alert everyone. My co worker went to Milford, DE Wal-Mart last week. She had her items rung up by the cashier. The cashier hurried her along and didn't give her a receipt. She asked the cashier for a receipt and the cashier was annoyed and gave it to her. My co worker didn't look at her receipt until later that night. The receipt showed that she asked for $20 cash back. SHE DID NOT ASK FOR CASH BACK! My co-worker called Wal-Mart who investigated but could not see the cashier pocket the money. She then called her niece who works for the bank and her niece told her this. This is a new scam going on. The cashier will key in that you asked for cash back and then hand it to her friend who is the next person in line.
Please, please, please check your receipts right away when using credit or debit cards!
This is NOT limited to Wal-Mart, although they are the largest retailer so they have the most incidents
I am adding to this. My husband and I were in Wal-Mart North Salisbury and paying with credit card when my husband went to sign the credit card signer he just happen to notice there was a $20 cash back added. He told the cashier that he did not ask nor want cash back and she said this machine has been messing up and she cancelled it. We really didn't think anything of it until we read this email.
I wonder how many "seniors" have been, or will be, "stung" by this one????
To make matters worse ...THIS SCAM CAN BE DONE ANYWHERE, AT ANY RETAIL OR WHOLESALE LOCATION!!!
Muslim sign in Texas about 911
Houston, Texas
Harwin Central Mall: The very first store that you come to when you walk from the lobby of the building into the shopping area
Had this sign posted on their door. The shop is run by Muslims.
Feel free to share this with others.
In case you are not able to read the sign below, it says
"We will be closed on Friday, September 11, 2009 to commemorate the martyrdom of Imam Ali"
Imam Ali flew one of the planes into the twin towers.
Nice huh?
Try telling me we're not in a
Religious war!
THIS HAS NOT BEEN AROUND....SO MAKE SURE IT DOES!
Cold or Allergies
Do you have a cold or allergies? How to find out and get better fast
You're stuffed up, you're sniffling – but is it an allergy or is it a cold?
It's not always easy to tell, even for someone like Dr. Kevin Lunde, an otolaryngologist at Baylor Plano.
"At times, I have performed allergy testing on patients with recurrent nasal and upper respiratory symptoms to help determine if allergies or colds are the cause," Lunde says.
It's important to figure it out because the treatments are different. After all, the antihistamines that can do so much for easing your allergy distress are not going to help your cold and might even make it worse. Up to 5 percent of allergies and colds will leave you vulnerable to sinus-tract infections, which are bacterial and call for antibiotics.
Sometimes it takes a little detective work to figure out what ails you.
"If you get sick with sneezing, sore throat and muscle aches, and it happens every September, it's probably allergies," says Dr. J. Robert Wyatt, an ear, nose and throat specialist and president of the Dallas Academy of Otolaryngology. Wyatt, who practices at Baylor Plano and in Forest Park Medical Center, notes that late August to late September is the height of ragweed season in Dallas.
If you don't usually get sick in September, but you spent time at your toddler's school hanging around with his little playmates and find yourself sniffling three days later, it's probably a cold, he adds.
Kids can pass colds back and forth to each other and bring them home throughout the school year. And allergy season can last most of the year, adds Dr. Sandeep Gupta, an allergist at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital Dallas and Baylor Plano.
(A quick rundown: January and February are worst for mountain cedar; March is spring trees; spring and summer include trees and grass pollen. Gupta says August and December are mild overall for pollen allergies, but mold spores are present year-round.)
Which is why the duration and speed of the symptoms may provide even better clues:
• Colds, which are viruses that damage and kill cells by entering them and multiplying, hit suddenly and usually leave in about three to five days, although symptoms can linger for a few days after the virus itself has passed.
• Allergies, which occur when your immune system overreacts to something like pollen that is not really a threat, come on slowly and linger through the three or four weeks, or as long as the allergen is around.
• Additional signs for colds include mild fevers, lymph node enlargement, muscle aches and coughing.
• Allergies are more characterized by sneezing, itching and rashes, and shiners under the eyes that are caused by inflammation.
What to do
There are some common treatments for both. Experts recommend eight hours of sleep, daily exercise for an optimum 60 minutes and eight glasses of water daily. Many doctors recommend daily sinus rinses, humidifiers and warm chicken soup as well. All of these measures can help prevent or lessen the symptoms as well as help you bounce back sooner.
With colds, you may also want to take acetaminophen (Tylenol) for mild fever and muscle pain. You want to make sure to keep resting for at least a week to 10 days, even if you feel better on the third or fourth day: Your immune system may be low, and you may be more vulnerable to infection.
For allergies, the best offense is a good defense – avoid what you are allergic to. If you can't do that, take over-the-counter allergy medications such as loratadine (Claritin) and cetirizine (Zyrtec) as needed, noting that cetirizine can cause drowsiness. Consult with your doctor before taking allergy medications with decongestants, such as Claritin D and Zyrtec D, because they can affect blood pressure.
If these don't help, your doctor may want to prescribe more intense allergy medications or discuss allergy shots, which can decrease sensitivity to allergens over time for some people.
If you are a frequent allergy sufferer, Wyatt recommends having your doctor examine your nose for nasal polyps (noncancerous lumps of swollen tissues that can get bigger over time), enlarged turbinates (ridges inside your nose that can get bumpier over time) and deviated septum (when the cartilage inside your nose is bent), all of which can result in symptoms that can be mistaken for allergic reactions. These problems can be fixed surgically.
Young children should also be watched carefully for signs of colds or allergies, as their immune systems might not be as strong as those of older children or adults, says Dr. J. Andrew Bird, an allergy and immunology specialist at Children's Medical Center Dallas, and assistant professor of pediatrics at UT Southwestern Medical Center.
"As we age, our immune system develops a memory response that is protective against future infections of the same type," he notes.
Because colds and allergies can lead to sinus infections, it is important to watch for those symptoms as well – a thick, yellowish discharge and fever. See your doctor immediately, as antibiotics are usually recommended when there is a bacterial infection.
A word on the flu
While colds and allergies do not cause the flu, the flu is a virus much like a giant cold that can lead to high, damaging fevers and pneumonia, Wyatt says.
Wyatt says the best time to get a flu shot is in October, because that's early enough to give you immunity for the flu season, but late enough for your immunity to last until the flu season ends in the spring.
FluMist, a nasal spray flu vaccine, can also be helpful and provide a "route of protection" if the individual has a healthy immune system, Bird notes.
Check with your doctor about any vaccine first, however.
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