Dear God: 40 Ways to Keep Your Lover

Dear God,

I have to be honest.I understood this week’s gospel about as well as I comprehended Sophocles’s "Oedipus Rex" and Aeschylus’s "Prometheus Bound" back in college, so I’m grasping at literary themes much like an engineering major thrown into English Lit 101.

This part I get: a woman can’t keep her husband happy. In Luke 20:27-38, a woman goes through seven husbands. SEVEN husbands, God! After the first died, she married the second, and then the third, fourth, and so on.

I want to know what the hell she was feeding them, and how she handled the wrath of her mother-in-law, who must have lived in a therapist’s office her remaining days to process the anger she felt toward a broad who managed to kill all seven of her sons.

My guess is this: the wife was bipolar and refused to get treated. That’s one sure way to bury a husband.

So, I think today’s lesson is to keep your spouse alive and healthy. At the risk of sounding like a country song played backwards--I got my house back, got my wife back, got my truck back—here is a list of suggestions I came up with to keep a husband happy.

Your feedback would be most appreciated.

1. Skip the polyester, Ester

2. No casserole, Nicole

3. Sleep with him twice a week, Monique

4. Let him drive a new car, Star

5. Laugh with him, Kim

6. Allow all-day NFL, Belle

7. Buy him candy, Sandy

8. Pray together, Heather

9. Wear sexy underwear, Cher

10. Make sure to kiss, Beatrice

11. Continue to date, Kate

12. Don’t call him lazy, Daisy

13. Be his biggest fan, Ann

14. Keep taking your pill, April

15. Be nice to his ma, Alicia

16. Let him win, Lynn

17. Don’t disappear, Blaire

18. More honesty, Destiny

19. Don't obsess about money, Bunny

20. Color your hair, Claire

21. Don't run, Autumn

22. Create something homemade, Jade

23. Say "I love you" daily, Bailey

24. His virtues try to see, Lee

25. Treat him like a king, Ling

26. Don’t yell, Danielle

27. Give it a second shot, Charlotte

28. Brush off his dander, Amber

29. Hold him like a baby, Sadie

30. Love him past the bliss, Genesis

31. Pay his library fee, Dee

32. Eat lunch with him at the deli, Kelly

33. Don't steal, Camille

34. Dress less scary, Sherry

35. Stop meeting boys in the alley, Sally

36. Water him like a tree, Marie

37. Try to sit still, Jill

38. Wear something racy, Stacey

39. Nurture his inner boy, Joy

40. Show him you care, Blair

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