The Professional Nipple Tweaker

Christina Aguilera's Nipple Tweaker Goes on Strike 

Protesting unfair working conditions, the man responsible for keeping Christina Aguilera's nipples in a permanent state of arousal has walked out.

Tyron Pecho, employed by Aguilera for the last two years, says his primary duties are being obfuscated by the singer's insistence that he perform superfluous tasks. He is often asked to work overtime without pay, run personal errands, and frequently placed in situations which could jeopardize his manicure.

"It's demeaning to wash her car, pick up dry cleaning, or run to the store for more jelly beans," Pecho complained. "I'm not just some bum off the street who doesn't clip his fingernails. I'm a licensed professional, dammit."

Pecho has the backing of the United Federation of Epidermal Technicians, which released a statement in support of a general work stoppage of long-standing complaints are not addressed. Representative of Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez were unavailable for comment, but insiders say a full scale tweaker strike is a real possibility.

"We can't be easily replaced," Pecho insisted.

The chilling effect this has had in the music business could spill over into the fashion industry, since both depend largely on looks rather than talent. The U.F.E.T. has also called for stronger regulation, warning that without sweeping reforms, music videos could soon be virtually indistinguishable from porn movies.

The DAMN Lucky Bastard!!!

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