Greatest Questions & Answers

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.  But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimateembarrassment?  

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied. 

pathwaytofun.blogspot.com

Priceless

Jack wakes up with  a huge hangover after attending his company's party.  Jack is not  normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.   He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was  feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.  Jack had to force  himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  Next to them, a single  red rose!!  Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and  pressed.  He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,  spotlessly clean.  So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins,  cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom  mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,  breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!  Love, Marian'

He stumbles  to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and  the morning newspaper.  His 16 year old son is also at the table eating. 

Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'  

'Well, you came home after 3  A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it,  and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the  door'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect  order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for  me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and  when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm  married!!'

Broken coffee Table  $239.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two aspirins $.38

Saying the  right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

pathwaytofun.blogspot.com

The Husband became The Wife

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
-
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
-
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
-
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
-
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P..M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
-
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day..
Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back..
Amen!'
-
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'

pathwaytofun.blogspot.com

Lesson from mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
About.."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents Like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

11 Rules from Bible that we ignore

1. Round haircuts. See you in Hell, Beatles... and/or kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my favorite) butt cuts. Leviticus 19:27 reads "You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard."

2. Football. At least, the pure version of football, where you play with a pigskin. The modern synthetic footballs are ugly and slippery anyways. Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads "You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you."

And you're doubly breaking that if you wake up, eat some sausage then go throw around the football. Or go to the county fair and enter a greased pig catching contest.

3. Fortune telling. Before you call a 900 number (do people still call 900 numbers, by the way?), read your horoscope or crack open a fortune cookie, realize you're in huge trouble if you do.

Leviticus 19:31 reads "Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God." The penalty for that? Check Leviticus 20:6: "As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people."

Seems like a lifetime of exile is a pretty harsh penalty for talking to Zoltar.

4. Pulling out. The Bible doesn't get too much into birth control... it's clearly pro-populating but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or the sponge, so those don't get specific bans.

But... pulling out does. One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses... the one that's used as anti-masturbation rhetoric... is actually anti-pulling out.

It's Genesis 38:9-10: "Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also."

Yep -- pull out and get smote. That's harsh.

5. Tattoos. No tattoos. Leviticus 19:28 reads, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord."

Not even a little butterfly on your ankle. Or Thug Life across your abdomen. Or even, fittingly enough, a cross.

6. Polyester, or any other fabric blends. The Bible doesn't want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It's sinfully unnatural.

Leviticus 19:19 reads, "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together."

Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn't realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor's wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)

7. Divorce. The Bible is very clear on this one: No divorcing. You can't do it. Because when you marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, you "are no longer two, but one flesh." And, Mark 10:9 reads, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, "And He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'"

8. Letting people without testicles into church. Whether you've been castrated or lost one or two balls to cancer isn't important. The Bible doesn't get that specific. It just says you can't pray.

Deuteronomy 23:1 reads (this is the God's Word translation, which spells it out better), "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord."

Oh, and the next verse says that if you're a bastard, the child of a bastard... or even have a great-great- great-great- great-great- great-grandchild of a bastard, you can't come to church or synagogue either. Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, "No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.". And yet people are saying that the Lord is full of mercy......

9. Wearing gold. 1 Timothy 2:9 doesn't like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any clothes you're wearing that you didn't get from Forever 21, Old Navy or H&M.

"Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments."

10. Shellfish. Leviticus 11:10 reads, "But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you." And shellfish is right in that wheelhouse.

Leviticus 11 bans a TON of animals from being eaten (it's THE basis for Kosher law); beyond shellfish and pig, it also says you can't eat camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat, winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with like grasshoppers (?), bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon and snail.

Sorry if that totally ruins your plans to go to a rock badger eat-off this weekend.

11. Your wife defending your life in a fight by grabbing your attacker's genitals. No joke. Deuteronomy actually devotes two verses to this exact scenario: Deuteronomy 25:11-12.

"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."

That's impossible to misinterpret. Ladies, if your husband is getting mugged, make sure to kick the mugger in the pills. Do not do the grip and squeeze (no matter what "Miss Congeniality" might advise). Or your hand needs to be cut off.

20 English Test

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.


9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.


10) I did not object to the object.


11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.


13) They were too close to the door to close it.


14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.


15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.


16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

100 Thought

1
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

4
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

5
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

6
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

8
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

9
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

10
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

11
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

12
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

13
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

14
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

15
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

17
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

18
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

19
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

20
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

21
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

22
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

23
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

24
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

25
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

26
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

27
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

28
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

29
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

30
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

31
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

32
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

33
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

34
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

35
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

36
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

37
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

38
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

39
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

40
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

41
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

42
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

43
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

44
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

45
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

46
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

47
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

48
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

49
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

50
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

51
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

52
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

53
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

54
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

55
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

56
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

57
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

58
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

59
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

60
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

61
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

62
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

63
Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

64
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

65
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

66
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

67
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

68
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

69
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

70
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

71
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

72
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

73
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

74
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

75
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

76
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

77
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

78
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

79
When in doubt, mumble.

80
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

81
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

82
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

83
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

84
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

85
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

86
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

87
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

88
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

89
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

90
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

91
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

92
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

93
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

94
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

95
Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.

96
I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

97
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

98
Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

99
Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

100
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.