What to eat and not to eat during the holiday fiesta

1. Avoid raw carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrot sticks on a holiday buffet table has zero Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see any raw vegetable sticks, leave immediately. Consider leaving if you see vegetables, period. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. As quickly as you can. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s hard to come by. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. It’s endangered! You can’t find it any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares about the 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to become an eggnog-aholic, for chrissake. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If gravy comes with something, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. You can also use it to disguise mediocre food quality that might otherwise prevent you from eating too much. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy until it erupts. Eat the erupting volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or heavy cream. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the season for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table repeatedly while carrying a ten-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, or slices of chocolate cheesecake with chocolate butter frosting and chocolate cream filling, position yourself near it and don’t budge. Have as much as you can before you become a spectacle, attracting jealous attention and competitors. It’s like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again. D’uh.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like pecan, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? True, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when the party’s over, you haven’t taken these tips to heart. Or gut. In this case, reread tips. But hurry, January is just around the corner.

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