7 Ways to Cope with a Layoff

When the economy — or a company’s business — goes south, the quickest way a company can chop its costs is by laying off its employees. It’s never popular and often companies will try other cost-cutting measures long before they have to cut workers, but if you’re among those who get the pink slip, you don’t really care. You just lost your job.

For many, being laid off is something that will be unexpected and shocking. Unless you work in a seasonal industry where layoffs occur with annual regularity, a layoff is akin to having the wind knocked out of you. You become a powerless pawn in a company’s efforts to cut costs. And while it’s never about a single employee, it doesn’t make it feel any less personal.

A layoff is out of your control, but how you react to it is not.

1. Keep Your Emotions in Check

One of the first things you should do is give yourself some time with the impact of being laid off. If unexpected, you will likely feel more upset, shocked and disappointed than if you had some idea layoffs were coming. Even when an employee knows layoffs are in the works for the company, you may not expect that your own head could be on the chopping block.

The workplace is not a good place to express this disappointment and upset, however. Such reactions might be mistaken or misunderstood. It’s also best not to burn bridges, no matter how bitter or upset you may feel in the moment. You may need references from your manager or supervisor, and want to keep in touch with coworkers you’re close to. Ask for personal email addresses and act calmly, no matter how you may feel inside.

If you need to vent, do so to close friends (or your family, or your therapist) outside of work. Don’t feel bad if you feel confused and uncertain about your future. Take your time and don’t try to rush into feeling “okay” with the layoff.

2. Get the Information

Sometimes in our shock and upset at the news of a layoff, we forget to listen or to get all the information we need. Is there a severance package or a benefits package I get to leave with? What about my family’s health insurance? Will the company help me with finding new work or offer any kind of resume service? What about job references? Do I have to return the company laptop that I use at home?

If you can’t handle getting the information in the moment or feel overwhelmed, not to worry. Employers generally provide the information in a letter form as well, and your HR personnel can answer any followup questions you may have via email or phone. The key is to remember that the more details you have, the easier it’ll be to answer others (e.g., your significant other) and make the tough decisions that are yet to come.

If your employer offers you nothing, you may be in line at the unemployment office to look into unemployment benefits paid for by the government. Sadly, these are going to be a lot less than what you were making, but it’s better than nothing. And it may help make ends meet until you can find another job. While most hard-working people hate the idea of accepting “charity,” sometimes we simply have no other choice. And unemployment benefits aren’t really “charity” anyway — they’re a benefit each state provides by taxing employers, and are regulated in part by federal law. Your benefits will be determined by your hours worked and earnings over the five calendar quarters preceding your layoff. In other words — you earned the benefits you’re now receiving while you were working.

3. Regroup and Reframe

Don’t let your disappointment and upset turn into a new pessimistic outlook on your life or career, or into a full-blown depressive episode.

Therapists have a technique they call “reframing.” It basically means taking a negative situation, thought or feeling and looking at it from a different perspective for some positive aspects. Being laid off is a time to regroup in your life and especially in your career. This is a time to reassess your career path and make sure you’re still doing something you have an interest in doing. Even in a bad economy, you need to consider your own longer-term happiness.

Which is not to say there may not be much you can do about it right now. But it may help you decide between two job opportunities in the future, one that keeps you on your current path, or another that may open up a different set of opportunities for you. A layoff may be just the ticket to get you out of the dead-end job you would’ve stayed in forever had it not occurred.

4. Take Stock in Your Finances and Budget

This is not the time to pull the wool over your significant other’s eyes (or your own). Take a realistic look at your finances and budget, and see how long a severance package or unemployment benefits are going to last you. Whatever you do, do not put this off longer than a week. While we may not enjoy dealing with our finances, failure to do so could result in a far worse situation down the road (which always arrives sooner than you think).

Be creative in analyzing your budget for places to cut. Most of us assume we need things like digital television and unlimited mobile calling plans. But most of us don’t. When I met my wife six years ago, she didn’t even have cable (and lived quite happily without it). Do you need to go out to dinner twice a week? Do you need that new flat-screen TV? Now’s the time to put aside your wants temporarily and focus exclusively on your and your family’s needs.

Keep in mind, too, of your savings, rainy-day funds, and even your 401(k), which may offer you some temporary financial relief. Borrowing from your 401(k), for instance, is usually less expensive than adding to your credit card debt, as you are paying back the loan with interest to yourself (not a credit card company). However, such borrowing is usually recommended only as a last resort.

5. Take Care of Insurance

We often don’t think about insurance until we’re faced with a layoff and find out just how expensive it really is. You will likely be offered something called COBRA, which allows you to continue your current employer’s health benefits with one catch — you now have to pay what your employer was paying for your benefits. Be prepared for sticker shock. Most people are amazed that a family of four’s health insurance on COBRA might be as high as $1,000 or even $1,500 a month (for a single or couple, it can be anywhere from $500 to $800). When paying bills is already going to be a challenge, COBRA might be out of reach when the monthly cost of health insurance exceeds your unemployment benefits.

So shop around. You may find other health insurance coverage for your family that is less expensive and not cut your benefits in any significant way. You may have to pay a higher deductible for inpatient hospital stays to achieve a lower monthly premium, so weigh the costs with what you can afford. Nowadays, there are a lot more plans available to most people at a wide range of costs.

If you have to consider going without health insurance where it’s legal (in Massachusetts, for instance, you’re required by law to hold health insurance), be very careful in your life. Put aside risky behaviors and hobbies that might put your future health at risk.

If you have chronic health issues that may make insurers reluctant to take you on, check with your state’s office of the commissioner of insurance. (Names may vary from state to state.) Most states have “high-risk pools” for people who can’t get health insurance any other way.

6. Hit the Classifieds

Nearly all job classifieds are now online, so searching through them is far easier than it was 10 years ago. Although it might seem like nobody is hiring (and in your specific profession, that may very well be true), you should keep an eye out anyway. Jobs sometimes become available as people retire, or a company’s focus changes. Extend your search somewhat outside your profession as well, just to see what else might be available.

Check out your “dream profession” as well, as that may help you make a very different decision. Some people use a layoff as an opportunity to go back to school to learn a new profession, using government grants and subsidized loans to pay for tuition. Of course that’s not always possible if you are the primary breadwinner for your family, but it’s something to keep in mind throughout this process.

Use the unemployment resources available to you, whether through your ex-employer (such as resume writing services) or through your local government. Libraries, too, often offer a great set of employment and career resources.

7. Don’t Give Up Hope

In the months to come, as unemployment may stretch out much longer than you had wanted or anticipated, you’ll benefit from remaining as optimistic as possible. A pessimistic attitude can easily snowball into full-blown depression when job hunting, especially in a down economy when hundreds of companies are laying off hundreds of thousands of workers. It’s a tough market to be looking for a job, of that there is no doubt. However, people who stand out in such markets usually can find a way to bounce back.

If you feel especially down on your luck, join a free support group or skills-building group in your local community (or online), and learn from others who’re going through similar circumstances. Although it may be hard to remember, try to keep in mind that layoffs aren’t a judgment about your own abilities, experience or skills that you bring to a position.

Some days it may feel impossible to do, but try to stay positive. Although many people define their self-worth and value in this world by their job, it really isn’t everything and doesn’t have to be the defining feature of one’s life.

In Summary…

Look, unemployment isn’t easy. I know, I’ve been there too. It stinks and the feelings you have after losing your job are right up there with losing a close loved one in your life. But you can get through this without having your entire life fall apart.

• Layoffs aren’t personal, although they often feel like they are.
• Being upset with a layoff is normal, but don’t let your upset turn into obsession or depression.
• Pessimism after a layoff is a dangerous vice; avoid stinkin’ thinkin’.
• Don’t burn bridges; keep in touch with ex-coworkers you had good relationships with.
• Work it out if you need references and set them up sooner rather than putting it off.
• Focus on and plan for the career you want to have in the future, not the job you just lost.
• Don’t put off being realistic with your finances and your own personal budget.
• Explore all your options when it comes to unemployment and health insurance. Don’t dismiss any resources available to you out of pride or ignorance.
• Be prepared to be in it for the long haul during tough economic times. This is a reflection of the poor economy, not your skills or abilities.
• Stay positive as much as possible and keep an optimistic spirit. Set realistic job goals (sending out resumes, replying to classifieds, etc.), and stick to them.

Believe in yourself, because if you don’t, others will have an even more difficult time believing in you.

Hands-on Spirituality

People of different faiths are discovering that crafts like knitting can be a form of prayer or meditation.

On Sunday, some people go to church to worship. On Saturday, some go to church to knit.

"We are knitting prayers into shawls to bless those who will receive them," said Julie Tampa, one of 40 women who show up, knitting needles in hand, to spend two hours each weekend knitting and praying at St. Peter's Episcopal Church in the Great Valley in Paoli, Penn. "It is a time to become aware of God's presence and God's grace."

Tampa and perhaps thousands of others are participants in what has come to be known as The Shawl Ministry, a new way the faithful serve the less fortunate by knitting or crocheting warm, colorful shawls they hope will literally wrap them in prayer.

As with other crafting-for-charity programs, like those that make blankets for Afghans, chemo caps for cancer patients, or toys for premature babies, the Shawl Knitting Ministry works to help people in crisis-such as unwed mothers, migrant workers, and victims of domestic violence. But there is something else going on here.

"There is another element to it," said Vicki Galo, co-founder of the ministry, which has needles clicking from Maine to California and in a handful of groups overseas. "Somehow, it benefits the knitter or the crocheter, too."

The women involved are discovering that in the process of helping others, they are helping themselves-spiritually. Knitters say the click of the needles, the tension of the yarn and the sight of the colors winds them into a meditation-like state. For Galo and many others, the combination of craft with contemplation was an awakening.

"You mean I can pray when I am doing this?" Galo said knitters asked. "It was a very new concept for women. And yet it is an old concept known by Tibetan monks and Native Americans."

Melanie Fahey, a shawl knitter at St. Michael's Episcopal Church in Houston, put it this way: "When I am working on a shawl, I am far more at peace in my own life. Everything gets done without leaving me feeling frazzled."

Galo, a Catholic, founded The Shawl Knitting Ministry about five years ago with Janet Bristow, a Congregationalist. Both live in Connecticut and had been students at the Women's Leadership Institute at Hartford Theological Seminary where they delved into a study of the divine feminine. A teacher there encouraged them to combine their passion for knitting with their interest in women's spirituality.

"I was frustrated with women being dismissive of their craft," Galo said. "For me, it came with prayer. I was trying to get sacred with my hands."

Initially Galo knit a shawl for a female friend going through a divorce. She showed it to Bristow, who made some suggestions-a touch of fringe here, a few charms and beads there. The pair then took the shawl to members of their women's group, who each wrapped themselves in it and blessed it before handing it over to the recipient.

Soon, everyone in the group wanted to knit shawls for people they knew who were ill or were grieving or about to enter a new stage of life, like motherhood. Before long, the pair began crafting prayers, blessings and rituals for each part of the knitting process-prayers for casting on, for the beginning of each row, and for the binding off.

There are now shawl knitting ministries in Episcopal, Methodist, Presbyterian, Congregationalist, Catholic and evangelical Christian churches across the United States.

Susan S. Jorgensen and Susan S. Izard, two knitters who brought the ministry to their own Connecticut churches, have written "Knitting Into the Mystery: A Guide to the Shawl Knitting Ministry." It offers guidelines for knitters, from the highly practical, like how many skeins make a good length shawl, to the deeply subjective, like what prayers to say before giving away a shawl. "May God's grace be upon this shawl," begins one prayer. "May the one who receives this shawl be cradled in hope, kept in joy, graced with peace, and wrapped in love."

Even the stitches can be imbued with religious significance. Knit in sets of three-three knits, three purls-authors Jorgensen and Izard invoke a variety of spiritual ideas including the Christian trinity, the unity of mind, body and spirit and the cycle of past, present and future.

"The pattern is very meditative," Izard said. "You can sit there and knit without thinking about it. It becomes a mantra, a very meditative prayer. It is a very contemplative experience."

Combining knitting and religion is not limited to the Christian community. Marci Greenberg, a marine biologist and conservative Jew, wanted to see if she could connect her beliefs with her love of knitting. The result is "Knitting by Torah," a class she teaches to Jewish high schoolers in Seattle.

Greenberg links the color of the yarns the students use with lessons from the Torah. A day knitting red yarn becomes an opportunity to learn about the prophesy of the red heiffer; a day knitting blue yarn leads to a discussion of the symbolic blue thread in tallit, or prayer shawls, required in Leviticus.

The students gradually move on to knit items for charity-a chance to teach them the Jewish principle of tzedakah, or caring for others.

"This is showing them that their Jewish identity doesn't have to be something separate from their other identities" as sons, daughters, and high school students, Greenberg said. "It shows them that they can do anything and connect it to their core beliefs."

Publishers have been quick to pick up on the interest in knitting and spirituality. In addition to "Knitting Into the Mystery" there is "Zen and the Art of Knitting" by Bernadette Murphy, the "The Knitting Sutra" by Susan G. Lydon, and The Knitting Goddess by Deborah Bergman.

"I think these books are tapping into American pragmatism about spirituality," said Lynn Garrett, religion editor at Publishers Weekly magazine, who has noted a small boomlet in religion-and-craft books. "Americans want their spirituality to be practical, to be part of their everyday lives, they want it to be applicable to their daily activities."

Knitting is finding a home in some seminaries and theology schools as well. Calvin Theological Seminary, a Christian Reformed Church school in Grand Rapids, Mich. drew 29 students of both sexes to a class called "Knitting: Handcraft as a Window into Domestic Culture and Religious Practice." It was co-taught by a knitting theologian and a wool-spinning librarian.

But this hands-on spirituality isn't limited to knitting. Groups of quilters, beaders and even breadmakers have taken a contemplative turn in houses of worship nationwide.

Prayers and Squares began in a San Diego Methodist church when quilters began making knotted quilts for people in crisis, "tying" prayers into each knot they made to hold the layers of fabric together. There are now more than 200 Prayers and Squares chapters throughout the U.S. and Australia.

The Church of Craft, which "maintains no dogma or doctrine beyond what every member believes for themselves" is a loose affiliation of groups who meet in cafes and members' homes to knit, crochet, bead, sew - whatever - now has eight "congregations" including those in New York, San Francisco, Montreal and Stockholm.

In addition to its shawl outreach, Paramount Terrace Christian Church in Amarillo, Tex. has taken contemplative crafting another step with a scrapbooking ministry, focusing each scrapbooker's work on a single scripture passage for the week. But Clarice Cassada, director of the church's women's ministry, says the 85 shawls the church has given away as part of its shawl knitting ministry hold a special place in the church's collective heart.

"The shawls are a tangible reminder to each hurting person that they have been covered in God's love through prayer, comfort and compassion," she said.

Wrapped in Love

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. -Anaïs Nin

From "Knitting into the Mystery," by Susan S. Jorgensen and Susan S. Izard:

What is it you receive when you receive a shawl? You receive a garment that proclaims peace - peace over you, peace under you, peace within you, peace around you. We cannot knit and hold a gun. We cannot knit and strike another. You receive a shawl that has been knit in love - love that is freely given for its own sake. I don't know of a soul who knits shawls for material gain or recognition. The people I know who knit are passionate about loving and seek only to express that love through their craft. You receive a garment that has been filled with healing intentions and comfort, a garment that seeks to console and give solace, a garment that celebrates and affirms, a garment that showers abundant blessings upon its wearer from the compassionate heart of its knitter.

What is it that you receive when you receive a shawl? You receive membership into a circle that has no boundaries, a circle with a momentum that continues to ripple out into the global community. The sum of it has become far greater than any of the people and parts that have played its midwives. The shawl-knitting ministry has a life of its own. Wear a shawl in a public place, and you will be noticed. You will be asked, 'Isn't that one of those shawls?' 'Who knit it for you?' 'How can I get one?' In a time when war is destroying what we hold dear and the world is in chaos, you receive peace that you may be peace. You receive love that you may be love. You receive healing that you may heal. You receive affirmation that you may affirm. Be mindful. Be prayerful. Welcome the Mystery.

Human beings love being wrapped. The activity touches a deep chord within. I sit at my computer composing this chapter, wrapped in a luxurious, deep purple shawl that is a combination of sheep and llama wool. Small glass seed beads are scattered randomly, snugly sewn into the tiny waves of the K3, P3 pattern; they catch the light as I move and stretch. This shawl is incredibly soft; it clings to all the curves of my body. As I pull it around me tight, I am continually amazed by the ability of this garment to yield to the shape of my body. I feel safe; I feel held; I feel loved. I believe two things are happening here: a very primitive and early need is being touched and satisfied, and the prayer of another is seeping into the fiber of my being."

Christina Gombar: An Interview About Childless Women and Infertility

It's amazing how the right topics come to me ... as if delivered by the Holy Spirit (or a really networked friend, i.e. Priscilla Warner) because I have been wanting to discuss the subject of fertility and depression for some time. I know from reading the comments of many Beyond Blue readers that depression is so often a result of infertility ... because of our culture's expectations, because of people's ignorance.

Writer Christina Gombar is willing to share her story with us, and in so doing will no doubt speak to the silent sufferers among us. She is also an accomplished writer whose commentary on women's issues appeared in The London Review of Books, The New York Times, Working Woman, Scholastic, and the Providence Journal. She is the author of "Great Women Writers," and has been the recipient of a New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow.

Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Christina!

1. In your piece for "Exhale," a literary magazine for "intelligent people who have lost a baby, or can't figure out how to make one in the first place," you lay out some creation myths:

* People can go from desperately wanting a child, to "choosing" to be 
child free. * Anyone can adopt. * Women wind up childless because they put off marriage to establish 
careers; or were looking for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Good Enough. * Anyone who wants a baby can get one, because this is America, 
where there is a solution to every problem. * Pets, gardening, or spending time with other people's children fills 
in for not having biological children of one's own. * People without children are not real adults, and don't know what 
real love is. * Infertility is a women's issue.

I'm so glad you listed all of those, because I admit to having believed some of them. It certainly made me think. Of the seven, which do you think is most harmful to women who can't have children?

Christina: Each is the most important to whomever the myth is misapplied. Probably the most common is women put off children for their careers. This isn't the fifties, very few women have the option of graduating high school or college and having a man at the ready to marry, willing and able to take on her and a child. Women who go to college generally come out in debt with huge loans, so do their husbands. They can't afford day care.

My situation isn't reflected in any of these myths. I got married young but soon got very sick. I spent my twenties paying off my education, working too many jobs in very tough environments. I got fired from my Wall Street for being sick, yet had to have a good income and health benefits to have a child. Many people who benefit from a supportive extended family at the time they have children don't understand that many of us don't have those advantages.

Also, the very assumption that childlessness in a married couple equals infertility in the woman. My friend Elsa wasn't infertile -- her husband was, by vasectomy. By the time they divorced, she was 43. I think there needs to be drawn a distinction between a woman who has gynological problems that stop her from getting pregnant at 25, and situational infertility like childlessness by marriage, and then women who start families at 50. That's not true infertility, that's past the natural biological childbearing age.

As I blogged on the New York Times, when celebrities are showcased having babies in their forties, then fifties, society gradually sees this as normal. Mainstream consumer magazines run articles about freezing your eggs in your twenties, so you can have a baby at 45, instead of talking about retuning society and the economic system to make it easier for young women to have children at biologically natural ages.

The solution really, is not to come up with newer and more advanced fertility treatments or yet more third-world adoption options. But to make the world safe and welcoming for people who wind up without children, often for very good reasons.

Many many childless people feel bereaved -- it is a situation that deserves respect, not pity or gloating.

2. In that same article you mention your friend Elsa, whose older husband didn't want more kids. She was often pitied, her husband demonized. People said to her, daily:

• "You're selfish." • "You don't know what real love is." • "Your husband will leave you."

And then you go one to say that he did leave her "because with so few counterparts in her workplace and community, her sense of private loss and public alienation corroded her marriage beyond repair." Man, that is such a crucial message there ... the absolute requirement of support. If an infertile woman wants to make her marriage work--wants to become immune, if at all possible to the toxic messages around her concerning this issue--what should she do?

Christina: I think the real question is -- what can society do to normalize Elsa's situation? An urban area is more accepting of non-nuclear families, as well as singles. I think it's her friends, neighbors, pastor, yoga instructors (who might, for example, address the class as if everyone were a Mom -- i.e. -- "Moms are tired" ... as if no one else had challenging life situations!) Her co-workers who preface every meeting with ceaseless chatter about their children. The women at the gym who turn their back in the middle of a conversation when one of their "Mom" friends comes in. It is truly a social status of second-class citizen.

Elsa tried to become very involved in her nieces and nephew, but sometimes the parents, her siblings, resented this.

There is no push button answer. Most books on childlessness are written NOT by people who are childless, but by psychotherapists who are mothers. We need to be able to speak for ourselves, to be heard. The Internet is a great resource lately, but these blogs weren't around four years ago, when my friend was going through this.

3. You say that 44 percent of women in their childbearing years don't have children, and some never will. And "while the world is rightly concerned with family issues, the constant focus on motherhood can make it easy for a childless woman to feel that she is less than a woman, that in failing to reproduce, she as failed at life." Poignant and powerful words. I agree with you. So what can the infertile woman do to feed and nurture herself in a family-oriented world? And especially the infertile woman who suffers from depression? What have you done to sustain your sense of self?

Christina: I'd like to point out -- that 44% figure -- is women from 15 to 44. As we all know, those numbers can be exceeded in both directions! This figure includes women who may have a step-child, but no biological child of their own -- often by their husband's choice. Step-mothers often parent, but they don't get the societal credit for it. I have several friends in this situation.

I can speak for what works for me, which might not necessarily work for someone else. First, I write, which is not a replacement for having a child of one's own, but a distraction, pleasure, obsession, assertion, as well as a way to vent. I am lucky that many of my depressions have been cured by travel, a change of scene, whether a day in New York or a yoga retreat. I get out in nature, I pray and meditate.

The tough thing is, sometimes you pray and you get the answer you don't want. You can have faith, and the thing you want can still be denied you. Once someone said to me, God has another plan for you. I've always had to be very flexible, so I'm O.K. with that. I went to a faith healer once, and she warned, The outcome may not be what you want.

Going to places of religious worship can be very difficult -- the Catholic church has respect for the celibate childless (of course!) nuns and priests, and for families, but the message is never good for childless married adults. The message is always, if you believe, God will give you this. But it's not always possible. I always have to explain to people that I'm not even eligible to adopt, due to health and financial circumstances. Clearly, it is God's will for some of us to remain childless.

Some years ago, I remember being at the Catholic church at Easter, and while in previous years it had been hard not to feel left out and maligned, both by the sermon and the other congregants, I had a still moment, looking at the decorated ceiling, and I got this message from God, at first this faint tingling glimmer, then a feeling of certainty, that it was O.K. for me to be exactly as I am.

But I constantly have to remind myself of this, because the outer world isn't telling me that. I remind myself that I have two aunts who didn't have children, and have had full and happy lives and very enduring marriages, like my own marriage. They were always good role models growing up. I had two uncles who were priests -- one, still teaching at 75, took my older sister and me off my mother's hands to all the Disney films. The other, who sadly passed away a few years back, used to take us on swimming outings to Sherwood Island, a large state park in Connecticut. It was too much of a trip for my mother, who had younger children, work, and her own parents to take care of.

I remind myself how valued these and other childless people were and are in my life. My best teachers, bosses, colleagues, doctors, lawyers, friends -- have often been childless. They have a lot more to give, and they give it freely.

I'd like to tell infertile and/or childless people to just tune out the crazyiness! A few years ago I read a story about then-57 year old, former Good Morning America host Joan Lunden, whose husband had twins by a surrogate, using the eggs from a third woman -- and then another set when Lunden was 57. Lunden declared, "I want readers to know this is absolutely O.K. If they're not her eggs, they're not her baby."

Well, I'm not a celebrity, I don't have a platform like Joan Lunden, but I'd like to float the message that It's Absolutely O.K. not to do a third world adoption, Foster Care, or a fertility treatment that seems wrong for you on a gut level. But society, and the media especially, needs to start getting the message across that adults without children are O.K. just as they are. I appreciate you giving me this platform.

4. You mention that you have read dozens of blogs as you search online for kinship regarding this issue. Could you share with my readers some of your favorites? Where are the childless hubs online?

Christina: The first I came across last spring was Nymphe: Living Childless and Child Free. The woman who authors the blog is actually childless by marriage, but feels the lack terribly. It's a very intelligent, deep-thinking forum. Click here for a recent post that addresses some of the complicated spiritual issues of coping with grief.

Another, Coming2Terms.com, is hosted by a woman who confronted fertility issues in her twenties and spent about 15 years going through the IVF mill. She had spent a lot of time on the many fertility blogs during treatments -- and found that she needed to create a safe place for people who experienced "the flip side of IVF" that the media seldom talks about.

Finally, Childless By Marriage is pretty self-explanatory! Blogs are probably starting up every day.

In the future I plan to write more for people who live without parenting due to health issues. The media just shows us the woman paralyzed from the neck down who managed to have a baby -- with a huge support system, money, etc. Most chronically ill people I know are unmarried and trying to keep a roof over their heads. To become obsessed with having a baby in such a marginal life situation is just madness, but we live in a baby-mad culture right now.

All the discussions of parenthood in the CI (chronic illness) community tend to center on how to get a baby, and get those around you to take care of the baby as well as you. In one discussion blog, a woman wondered if it was wrong to have a child with all her disabilities. Another who'd done so quoted scripture to justify spanking, and spoke of monitoring her children from her bed. I was a voice crying out in the wilderness, when I suggested accepting a childless life as God's will.

I wrote: "You can develop tunnel vision when you're in the midst of an infertility struggle." I want to let other people in my situation know that there's a light at the end of that tunnel.

What's Your "Energy Habit"?

Faith is not a cushion for me to fall back upon; it is my working energy. -Helen Keller

From "365 Energy Boosters," by Susannah Seton and Sondra Kornblatt:

For each of us, our life force manifests in four kinds of energy: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. And they are not separate-each profoundly affects the others. Each also is associated with a particular element. Your physical energy is earth energy. Emotional energy is associated with water-tears, overflowing feelings. Mental energy corresponds to the air, the energy of consciousness, while fire-passion, commitment-is associated with spiritual energy.

Each of us has a particular energy habit, a way of relying on certain of these energies when we face obstacles or challenges in our lives. Some of us are very 'fiery,' responding passionately to almost everything. Others use air strategies, becoming very mental or analytic. Others overflow with feelings (water); still others get very stubborn and unmoving (earth). What is your primary energy habit? Do you use them all? Do you over-rely on one? In what situations do you use which? The more we become conscious about these energies, the more choice we have to use one or another, where appropriate."

What if I Feel the 'Wrong' Thing?

Teens Ask Helen About Grief

Helen Fitzgerald's column for Beliefnet focuses on the grief of children and teens. If you are a teenager dealing with loss, or a parent struggling to help your children come to terms wih grief, consider Helen's column a resource.



Q1. You wrote about kids getting depressed when somebody dies. That's fine, but what about kids like me who have to spend all their time taking care of a sick mother? Nobody has died in my family, but I am depressed anyway because I feel that life is passing me by. I know I'm being selfish to say this, but I almost wish that she would die. Am I a lost cause, or is there something I can do to save my life from going down the drain?

A1. The fact that you were able to write me this question tells me that you are not a lost cause. Because you're a teenager only once, I can understand your feeling that opportunities are passing you by--friendships, parties, sports, and, of course, romance. Having to take care of an ailing parent is not part of anyone's agenda for the Ideal Adolescence.

So you're feeling selfish. I'll tell you something, you aren't the only one. When my first husband lay in a coma month after month, dying with terminal cancer, I also had days I secretly wished he would die. You don't have to feel guilty about thinking such a thought, just so long as you do nothing to make it happen.

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by the pressures on you. You have a right to feel somewhat depressed. Your mother is evidently in failing health, and you are being deprived of the wonderful services that mothers normally provide. Now it's almost as if you were the mother.

Of course, you want your mother to be well cared for, and I'm sure you are doing a good job, no matter how you wish you could be doing something else. But you may not have to miss out on everything. Even if you have to be at home nursing your mother, you ought to be able to spend some time on the phone with friends. Discuss it with your parents and work out some ground rules on use of the phone, making sure that it's available for essential calls but clearing certain times for your use. With call-waiting, a relatively inexpensive feature to add to your phone, no one will have to worry about missing a phone call.

I know from your question that you've read my column, When Depression Is Real. You might want to read it again, and show it to your folks, to be sure everyone understands the seriousness of depression.

One of the themes of that column is the beneficial effect of talking things out. Talking--communication in any form--can help you now. I suggest that you start talking--with your mother, your father, any siblings you may have, and your friends. Not talking about your mother's illness especially, but about your need to maintain some semblance of a normal social life. Out of these discussions may come any number of ideas for improving your situation. It is possible, for example, that once your father realizes how strongly you feel, he might be able to rearrange his schedule to open up some social time for you to be with your friends. You may have an aunt or uncle, sister or brother who could relieve you on occasion. Or maybe you could have some friends over to the house once in a while. The key element here is communicating your concerns so that people understand what you are saying--that you are depressed and that you need help, too. It might not hurt to let your dad, a sibling, or a relative read this exchange between us.

Depression resulting from any cause, whether it is the death of a loved one or circumstances like yours, requires attention. It may be that you will start to feel better once you have started talking about your depression. But if you don't feel better soon, I suggest you tell your parents that you think you need some outside help. If your family attends a church, there may be a counselor or religious advisor there who can help. Or see your counselor at school, who should be able to direct you to a community mental health center, where you could be referred to a therapist. If money is a concern, most mental health centers have a sliding scale for fees. They will work with you on the fee. Some mental health centers even have time set aside for "teen walk-ins" and that is usually free.

Depression is more than just feeling sad or frustrated; it can be much more, depending on what you do or don't do about it. Taking care of your mother is important, but taking care of yourself is important, too. Once everyone realizes how important it is to attend to the needs of both of you, I believe you will find a way to do so. When you take care of yourself, you will have more energy and willingness to do your part in taking care of your mom.

Q2. My grandfather died a few days ago. My mother and father both seem really depressed over his death, but I feel fine. I'm not depressed. Since I'm not as sad as the rest of my family, I wonder if they think I didn't love him. Is there something wrong with me?

A2. Just because you aren't feeling sad or depressed at the moment doesn't mean that you didn't love your grandfather. Since it was important enough for you to ask the question, I am sure you loved your grandfather as much as everyone else.

Grief is different for everybody and often comes in waves. One day things are fine and you're looking forward to exciting things, and the next day something hits you that throws you into the dumps. This might happen one summer day when you start remembering the fishing trips you went on with your grandfather and suddenly realize that there will never be a fishing trip with your granddad again. Or, you might be playing in a baseball game and see a man who looks like your grandfather. For an instant you start to call out to him, only to remember that he's dead! It is at times like these that the full impact of the loss will hit you, bringing on a period of sadness or even depression.

You may not be feeling the impact of your grandfather's death as much as your mother and father because they are dealing with the death of a parent, and that hurts a lot no matter how old you may be. Your grief is different partly because you are a generation removed from your grandfather. You may have known and loved your grandfather since you were born, but think how many more years he was an important part of your parents' lives. That doesn't mean that you won't feel sad and miss your grandfather very much, but your grief is bound to be different from that of your parents. You need not feel guilty about this, nor should anyone expect you to.

Touch the Robe: On Faith and Broken Hearts

Today is one of those days that words fail me. My heart is stuck somewhere between grieving the wounds of my past--having been sucked back into a very dysfunctional place with my family of origin--yet knowing that every single second of life is a gift, that message confirmed in Dan's death during the award banquet on Friday evening.

I know I'm healthier, because I can recognize the dysfunction now and see that I don't have to accept the guilt trips and the insults hurled my way. I can simply say, "that does not accurately describe me, thank you very much." I know all of this rationally. I am proud of the person I have become.

But my heart hasn't caught up to my brain yet. It absorbs the accusations and tells the very cells that want growth and change, that it 's not worth it, because my very cells are damaged, destroyed not worth anything of value. My heart is afraid to request a hearing, so it acknowledges every allegation as the truth.

My heart still hurts just as much as it did in junior high.

Ironically today's reading (in the lectionary that many Christians follow) about the hemorrhaging woman who touched Jesus' robe and was healed is the passage I use to describe the first moment of hope I experienced when I began to emerge from my suicidal 18 months: when I saw the 10-foot statue of Jesus in the administrations building of the Johns Hopkins campus five minutes before my psychiatric evaluation. I stood at that statue, wanting to touch the hem of Jesus' robe just like the woman in Mark's gospel that we read about today.

She was a wounded woman. Had spent her fortune on doctors. Had been bleeding for 12 years. But her faith saved her. Her bleeding stopped, and she was made whole.

I don't think I'll ever stop bleeding. My DNA seems to attract heartbreak.

But if I just keep touching the robe, day after day with as much faith as I have at the moment, maybe, just maybe, my heart will soon hear the messages of my brain and begin to shield my heart so that I won't have to ask Jesus to help it from stop bleeding ... it will have been kept whole despite assaults that could lacerate or scrape.