Emotional Abuse: Bruises on Your Sense-of-self

by Laurie B. Rosenblum, MPH

Jack is constantly criticizing his wife, Sally. One day he says she's too easy on their children. The next day she's not making enough money. Although Jack often promises to help with the housework, he rarely does. Recently, he told Sally that if she "can't get her act together," he will leave her.

Susan often tells her elderly father with diabetes that he is too much work to take care of and does not respond when he needs help. When he apologizes for being a burden, she just gives him a sarcastic smile.

Many days when Joe gets home from work, he yells at his teenage daughter, saying that she'll never get good enough grades to get into college or be thin enough to find a husband.

What do these three situations have in common? They all involve emotional abuse.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

It's not uncommon for people to hurt or try to control another person once in a while. Emotional abuse is usually a pattern of behavior over time, in which one person hurts another person emotionally and maintains power and control over that person. Or it can occur in a single traumatic event.

Emotional abuse involves doing and saying things that make the victim feel badly about herself or himself. Low self-esteem , worthlessness, fear, helplessness, and guilt are common results.

Anyone can be a victim of emotional abuse. It can occur as men hurting women, parents hurting children, women hurting men, children hurting parents, and between people of the same sex.

What Are the Signs of Emotional Abuse?

There are many signs of emotional abuse, ranging from the obvious to subtle. Ask yourself if someone in your life does any of the following things:

• Yells at your or orders you around.
• Insults you, calls you names, blames or criticizes you.
• Makes fun of you in private or public.
• Withholds affection or ignores you.
• Tries to control your activities and contact with other people.
• Threatens to abandon or hurt you or your children.

More subtle ways someone can emotionally abuse you include:

• Denies abusing you.
• Makes hurtful remarks in a caring tone of voice.
• Judges you or denies your feelings.
• Twists your words and distorts their meaning.
• Breaks promises and then claims to have forgotten.

What Are the Causes of Emotional Abuse?

One of the main reasons people abuse a loved one is because they have been hurt themselves, usually during childhood. Often, the ways they have learned to treat other people are abusive, although some abusers may not see their behavior as harmful. Stressful events may set off a bout of abusive behavior in some people. Some researchers think that certain people may have innate biological tendencies toward aggressive behavior.

Is There a Relationship Between Emotional and Physical Abuse?

"Emotional abuse may lead to physical abuse in some cases, but it always accompanies physical abuse," says Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, a psychologist and director of the Center for Counseling and Health Resources in Seattle, and author of the book Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse .

With physical abuse there are usually visible effects, such as wounds, bruises, and scars, but, says Dr. Jantz, "emotional abuse creates invisible bruises on the sense of self. Sometimes emotional abuse can be more devastating than physical abuse."

Because emotional abuse can be hard to see, it often goes unrecognized. When it is recognized, it is often ignored, denied, or considered acceptable behavior. As a result, it often continues within a relationship and from one generation to the next.

Getting Help

The first step in changing an abusive relationship is to recognize that abuse is occurring and seek help. You need to accept that the abusive behavior is not your fault and that you cannot change the abuser's behavior but you can do things to help yourself. The abuser must take responsibility for his or her actions.

"There is hope for change if both the victim and abuser are willing to commit to changing," Dr. Jantz says.

Abusers who don't see that their behavior is abusive are more likely to learn new ways of interacting and successfully change their behavior than are people who abuse intentionally, according to Dr. Jantz.

For intentional abusers, change can occur, but it is often a very hard and slow process, in which professional help is crucial.

Whether you are being abused or abusing someone else, you can get counseling and help in deciding whether or not to stay in the abusive situation. There are services specifically for victims and abusers. See the organizations listed below.

RESOURCES:

Child Help USA, National Child Abuse Hotline
http://www.childhelpusa.org

Ellis A, Powers MG. The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life. Wilshire Book Co.; 2000.

Jantz GL. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Fleming H. Revell; 1995.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org

A Tiny Handful of Promise

A pediatric chaplain witnesses the miraculous power of a mother's love.
By Norris Burkes

It was 3 a.m. when the doctors flooded her room with light. Still numb from pain medication, the new mom fumbled for her glasses, squinting to distinguish the blur of white coats. The doctors were saying something about needing some papers signed—now.

Twenty miles and twenty minutes away, a high-pitched beep suddenly filled my dark bedroom. Numb from the early hour, I fumbled for my glasses too so I could read the number on my pager. "Oh no, it's too early," I groaned, even as I shuffled toward the closet where I had pre-positioned my clothing. Still groggy, I managed to get dressed while placing a whispered phone call to the maternity ward.

"Chaplain, we have a baby who's not doing well," the nurse reported. "The parents are asking for you to please come."

Maternity wards are the happiest places on earth—except when they are the saddest places on earth. The contrast in patient stories on the floor can be jagged and capricious. Even as I enter a room of sobbing parents, I often will glance over my shoulder to see other families happily backslapping each other with congratulatory pats.

As I stepped to the bedside, the couple told me of their journey through a problem pregnancy filled with frightening neonatal reports. Nevertheless, they had nursed thin hopes that doctors would find things more fixable than predicted. But now the baby had arrived, and initial reports showed underdeveloped lungs and a leaky heart that was beginning to fail. Concerned doctors were seeking parental consent for a birth-day surgery.

"Has God just teased us?" the parents wondered aloud. "What do we have to do? How do we pray? What do we say? Would it help to baptize the baby? Can you baptize her, Chaplain? Or bless her? Something. We've got to do something! She's got to have a chance."

Now, you have to understand: in my tradition I don't baptize babies. But those who would argue theology at a time like this have never looked into the eyes of desperate parents and heard them say, "Do something, Chaplain!"

I asked the mother if she might have the strength to come with me to the neonatal intensive care unit (the NICU, which staffers pronounce "nick-u"). The NICU is a world of wires, IV bottles, tubes, and back-lit beds that remind me of the scene in the movie E.T. when scores of scientists and doctors examine the little alien. In close quarters, the doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists squeeze through tangled tubes to deliver highly specialized health care to the tiniest people you'll ever see. But as cramped as it was in there, the staff made room as I entered with parents and two sets of grandparents in tow. As we encircled the baby, the usually noisy NICU fell silent in readiness for this "emergency blessing."

Mom stood beside her tiny daughter, stroking the baby with her index finger in an attempt to reestablish the sustaining love of the umbilical cord. Her finger seemed just long enough to maintain a fragile connection between her and this baby of faith. It was an image reminiscent of the fingertip touch between God and Adam in Michelangelo's painting in the Sistine Chapel.

In the E.T. movie, special-effects artisans attempted to recreate the scene using an extraterrestrial with a flashlight finger to deliver a healing touch to a child, but Hollywood could never paint this scene. Yet it is a scene that is enacted every day in our special-care nursery.

Here was a mother trying to give her very breath to a child who could only breathe with a machine. With the touch of a single finger, Mom was sharing the hopes and prayers of a family.

Unceremoniously opening a bottle of sterile water, I placed a drop on the baby's forehead and asked that God "bless this child in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

With that, Mom's whimpers melted into weeping. And as she cried, she took her daughter's tiny hand and, finding a spot that wasn't wrapped, poked, or monitored, she placed a kiss in that tiny palm and whispered something into those little, curled-up fingers. Then, as if she had placed a thing of priceless value in her daughter's grip for safekeeping, she closed it tight.

This mother's love reminded me of the miraculous way in which God whispers his love into the hand of each of us when we are born, placing there a promise that, no matter what, he will never let us go. And having pledged that love to us from our first breath to our last, he wraps our fingers around that promise for safekeeping.

The apostle Paul wrote, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God…." (Romans 8:38–39 KJV). Even as a minister, I sometimes forget how personal and deep God's love is for each of us. I often talk about the depth of God's love, but it took a mother's heartfelt whisper into a tiny hand to remind me that God is always there to love me, and all I need to do is reach out and accept it.

I'll never know the exact words this young mother entrusted to her daughter's grip. But in the coming weeks of miraculous procedures and risky surgeries, the real miracle that was witnessed by all who would see it was how this little girl never released the grip of her mother's promise.

Three months after her birth, she went home a healthy little girl.

Excerpted from 'No Small Miracle: Heartwarming, Humorous, and Hopefilled Stories from a Pediatric Chaplain,' by Norris Burkes. Copyright 2006.

Romantic Love: A Basic Human Need?

by Diane W. Shannon, MD, MPH

Falling in love is an intense experience that can leave you feeling breathlessly out of control. Romantic comedies bring in millions of dollars portraying the zany antics of the love-stricken, while daytime dramas intrigue us with the plots and schemes of those in love. Song lyrics describe “love sickness” in all its glory. Just consider the words of “Love at First Sight,” a song by the 1980s rock group the Styx:

Love at first sight

It’s hard to keep your balance

Moving past the point of no return

Romantic Love, Lust, and Long-Term Attachment

Whether you’ve fallen in love at first sight or not, you’ve probably felt the rush of sensations of early romantic love: elation, heightened energy, low appetite, sleeplessness, and the inability to concentrate on anything other than the object of your affection. Brain research has shown that lust and long-term attachment are controlled by specific centers in the brain. It seems reasonable to think that the same centers are responsible for romantic love. But new research has shown otherwise.

Love Is Like…Thirst?

Researchers in New York and New Jersey studied 17 college students who had been intensely in love for a relatively short period of time—17 months or less. The subjects looked at photographs of their beloved while undergoing functional magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). Functional MRI is a scanning technique that indicates which areas of the brain are most active at any given moment. The researchers found that the brain region associated with early romantic love was not the region already known to be related to lust or long-term attachment. Instead, the area of the brain most active in early romantic love is one associated with the most basic human drives: thirst, hunger, and craving. This region, located in the caudate nucleus and the ventral tegmental area (VTA), is also involved with reward-seeking and motivation. The VTA releases the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is increased when people anticipate a reward. For example, dopamine sites are more active in gamblers when they score or win.

According to the study researchers, the fact that early romantic love is associated with neural activity in a brain region responsible for our most basic human needs shows that early romantic love is an “important evolutionary reproductive strategy.” It also provides a biological explanation for the intense drive associated with passionate love—explaining why, for example, some people contemplate stalking or suicide when rejected. Whereas lust drives us to find any suitable mate, romantic love pushes us to focus on a particular suitable mate. Later, in relationships that continue, long-term attachment encourages partners to share parenting duties to ensure their offspring survive, thus passing their genes on to the next generation.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

In a follow-up study, the same researchers are studying the brain activity of 17 men and women whose partner recently broke off the relationship. The subjects are being assessed with functional MRI as they look at photographs of their ex-partner. Early results indicate that during a break up, brain activity is heightened in areas of the brain near those associated with romantic love. These early findings may explain why being dumped can sometimes intensify romantic love.

According to Helen Fisher, one of the study researchers, “As humans we have a highly motivated drive toward romantic love.” It may not matter to you or your beloved that the source of this drive is the same brain region that motivates you to go find a bottle of Evian or a plate of chocolate chip cookies when you’re parched or hungry. But it may explain why we pay millions of dollars to see "Sleepless in Seattle," "The Wedding Singer," and "Bridget Jones’s Diary." After all, romantic love is as basic to us as eating.

RESOURCES:

Aron A, Fisher H, Mashek DJ, et al. Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. J Neurophysiol. 2005;94:327-337.

Fisher H. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New York, NY: Owl Books; 2005.

References:

Aron A, Fisher H, Mashek DJ, et al. Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. J Neurophysiol. 2005;94:327-337.

Carey B. Watching new love as it sears the brain (May 31, 2005). New York Times website. Available here. Accessed September 21, 2005.

Fisher HE, Aron A, Mashek D, et al. Defining the brain systems of lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. Arch Sex Behav. 2002;31:413-19.

National Public Radio. The evolution of Valentine’s Day. Available at: http://www.npr.org/programs/musings/2004/feb/valentine.html. Accessed September 21, 2005.

Tom Ashbrook. Love is all in your head [transcript]. WBUR. June 2, 2005.

You Become What You Want to Be

As a child, I just wanted to be loved. It wasn't until I grew up that I learned how. By Marilyn Joan

Growing up the fifth of six children was a challenge, the struggle for placement and acceptance being the usual issues. Personally, I never felt I needed to be heard or seen. Taught to be seen and not heard from the time we were born, when we broke that rule we were punished severely.

I had several strikes against me growing up. I had very little self-esteem, if any. Our mother had a hair-trigger temper and we constantly had to avoid her wrath, learning to fear and not thrive as children. Even when we weren't in trouble, we felt like we had done something wrong. Talking about love or sex in our house was totally taboo. Our home lacked warmth and my fears of incurring my mother's anger outweighed my desire to talk to her about very important things that should have been dealt with as a child, not as an adult.

My childhood was short. I always say I graduated from the school of hard knocks, and meant it. I was molested between the ages of ten and thirteen by four different family friends and a family member. I was an alcoholic by the time I was fourteen and a frequent user of drugs when I wasn't drunk.

I was not popular in school, my grades were not great and the only thing I excelled at was spelling, which would not carry me far. My mom planted the seeds and watered them daily, telling me I wasn't smart enough or good enough to reach the goals I set for myself in life. I wanted to be a teacher, a stewardess or a nurse. At one time, I had many, many dreams. Not one of them was something my mother encouraged or thought I could accomplish.

I made mistakes, too many to mention and some so humiliating that I cringe inside today as I recall them. The drugs, the alcohol and the self-destructive path I was on were not things I was proud of. I wanted so desperately to change, but I had no idea how. I just wasn't good enough to succeed at anything. The only positive thing left was my desire to try.

I started dating a guy when I was thirteen, falling hopelessly in love with him. True to form, my mother told me I would never do better and on my sixteenth birthday we were engaged. We moved in together after high school and married at nineteen. We had two beautiful kids together, and that was the turning point in my life. Being a good mother was something I could accomplish.

Marrying so young was wrong, we both knew it. We were drawn to each other for all the wrong reasons. It was bad for him, it was bad for me, it was bad for the children, so I started my road to recovery by divorcing him. We never harbored any hate or animosity for each other and frankly I liked him better once we lived apart. He became a better father and a better person and I too became a better human being.

I began to reinvent and get reacquainted with myself. I faced my problems with the help of psychologists and social workers, who taught me healthy parenting and life skills. With their help and encouragement I learned to talk with my kids and to value them for who they were. I am able to guide them toward realizing their full potential through encouragement and emotional support. And, I have stayed clean and sober.

During therapy I remembered the sexual abuse and came forward to have the man arrested and charged with his crimes. I felt wonderful, vindicated and strong when he was convicted twenty years later for the crimes he committed against me.

I look back with 20/20 hindsight and wonder why my educators never picked up on my abuse. The signs were there, I read it in my report cards. About a sullen little girl who sulks and wants to be the center of attention, and cries. No, I don't want to be the center of attention. I just want to be loved. Can't you see that! I remember all the incidents as if they were yesterday and have worked hard to move beyond feeling like a victim.

Today I feel lucky. I have a wonderful husband, two more great kids and a home in the country, a life far beyond the dreams of a kid being drowned in the toilet. I have never beaten my children or belittled them. I overcame great odds, faced the loathing and shame, and grieved for the loss of my childhood so that the cycle stopped with me. In its place a life centered on love and nurturing has taken root and I am careful to plant more seeds and water them daily.

Reprinted of Marilyn Joan (c) 2004 from Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Robert Ackerman, Ph.D., Peter Vegso, Theresa Peluso and Gary Seidler.

Coping With Loneliness

Humans were created to live in community. So how does one deal with feelings of loneliness?
By Debra Farrington

Three years ago, I moved from my home on the West Coast to the East Coast for a new job. Taking only my cat with me for company and continuity, I spent the first few months in my new home feeling more lonely than I have ever felt in my life. It wasn't that people weren't kind to me. But I was apart from good friends, my spiritual community, and all that was familiar. I was exhausted each day by the demands of a hectic job. What little energy I had left was spent in learning my way around, finding a new doctor, hairdresser, and dentist, not to mention friends and a new church. I remember being very envious of those whose husband, partner, or family moved with them. At least they brought some kind of support system with them.

While it might have been easier to have a built-in support system during those months, the unavoidable fact is that we all experience periods of loneliness. Popular mythology holds that only single people experience loneliness, but I've met married people who have faced lonely periods as well. As human beings, we need the companionship of significant people in our lives.

Enter the biblical stories of Adam and Eve in Genesis ("it is not good for man to be alone"), or of the animals entering the ark 2 x 2, and it seems like we have a biblically mandated solution to loneliness--marriage. But the Bible also contains the stories of single people leading full and rich lives. Miriam, Moses' sister, helps lead the Israelites out of Egypt. A beloved leader, she leads the people in celebration after their escape. When she is punished with leprosy, and must stay outside the camp for seven days, they will not go on without her. When she dies, the people stay put until she is buried. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, in the New Testament, appear to be single, and have significant friendships with many, including Jesus. Paul, Jesus, and others fill the pages of the Bible--all single people, beloved of God, with rich, full lives. God doesn't appear to them and demand that they get married to fulfill the mandate in Genesis. Perhaps we get too focused on Adam and Eve, and the Ark, and forget that the Bible contains stories that affirm the value of the single life as well.

Still, loneliness can be a reality in the single life, but perhaps some of it comes from confusing loneliness with the act of being alone. I often tell people in my singles retreats that we won't make good partners for anyone in this life if we can't be a good partner to ourselves first.

If you find that you dread an evening by yourself, make a list of the things that you might do to nurture yourself. That list can include anything that nourishes your mind, body, or soul: browsing your local bookstore, taking a leisurely bath, listening to music, walking, meditating, journaling, enjoying a favorite hobby, going out to a movie or show (yes, you can go out by yourself!). Use that list to make your time alone into restorative time for yourself. We get so little self-care time in this life, and I can guarantee you that anyone who is married, and particularly those with children, would be thrilled to have an evening to attend solely to their own needs. Jesus often went off by himself to pray and escape the demands of others and of the day; it's not a bad model to follow.

Another time that loneliness strikes us can occur when we want a partner in life so deeply that we ignore the wonderful community that surrounds us. There's nothing wrong with the desire for a partner, but focusing exclusively on that rarely brings it about. Humans were created to live in community, so one way to move away from loneliness is to focus on others. It is in giving that we receive, says the prayer of St. Francis. What we will receive we cannot know in advance; this isn't a magic formula. But volunteer your time, pay attention to the needs of family, friends, and colleagues, or give of yourself in any other way that seems appropriate, and see what happens. Let yourself experience the intimacy of friendship and of service to others, rather that putting life on hold until that significant other comes along.

Finally, learn to befriend your loneliness. Think of it as your teacher, and ask it for wisdom. Speak to God about your feelings, and ask to know what this time of loneliness has to teach you. Talk with others about it--friends, clergy persons, spiritual directors, or others--and ask their help and support. As I grappled with loneliness in my new home, and talked with others about it, I realized that I had to live differently if I wanted more connection to others. I was spending too much of my time at work, leaving little time to get the rest I needed in order to have enough energy to go out and make new friends and develop new support systems. My feelings of loneliness in a new environment were kept at bay by working too many hours, which further increased my isolation. By listening to my feelings--as uncomfortable as that was--I discovered that my loneliness had something to teach me about living a more balanced life, one that had time for prayer, friends, and fun, and not just work. Even God took the Sabbath off.

None of this is to say that feelings of isolation, of loneliness, are fun or easily managed. They are real and sometimes very painful. And if they are chronic, you might want to find someone who can help you look at them carefully. But these feelings can be important tools in making changes in your life. They certainly have been so in mine.

Debra Farrington is the author of 'One Like Jesus: Conversations on the Single Life' (Loyola Press) and leads retreats on being single and whole. Her most recent book is 'Living Faith Day by Day,' about the wisdom of monastic traditions.

Velcro Beau

Why is it that some animals just stick with you?
By Carol Kline

When I first saw him, he looked worried. His furrowed brow and uncertain eyes gave his regal face a haunted look. I would come to know that this was a dog who was spooked by change until he got his bearings. And that day his world had been turned upside down.

The large German shepherd had been running away on a regular basis. He always showed up at a neighbor's house where they played with him and fed him--and eventually called his family, asking them to come and get him. Sometimes when the family showed up to retrieve him, they were rough with him. The neighbors noticed that the dog never seemed too excited about getting into their truck. And lately he hadn't been looking well. His coat was rough and he was losing weight.

One day, when they called the dog's family to report his whereabouts, the family said they weren't coming to get him. They'd had enough; the dog was on his own. Fortunately, the neighbors called a friend who was a volunteer at the shelter where I also volunteered as dog-intake coordinator and breed-rescue liaison. She took him home and then called me.

As I drove up to my friend's house, I saw her sitting on the porch with her children. The dog was sitting on the porch, too, but wasn't interacting with any of them. Instead, he was scanning the street and sidewalk with nervous eyes.

He was a stunning dog, in spite of his worried expression, rough coat and emaciated frame. I was told he was a little over a year and a half, still a pup by German shepherd standards. He was very tall and would be an imposing creature once he filled out. I had never handled a dog his size and was intimidated at first. But, aside from being agitated at the strangeness of his surroundings, he seemed perfectly friendly and readily jumped into the back of my car.

My plan was to take him to the vet for an exam and then take him to the shelter or arrange for him to go to the nearest German shepherd rescue group. But first I thought I'd stop and show him to my husband, Larry, as he'd grown up with German shepherds and loved the breed. (Over the years, I'd heard many stories about his favorite dog, Marc; none of our rescued mutts could compare.)

When I opened the back door of the car and the shepherd leaped out, he immediately loped over to my husband. After a cursory sniff, he lost interest and began exploring the parking lot where we stood. We watched him, and I could tell Larry was impressed. He turned to me and said, "I want him."

I was surprised. We already had three dogs - an occupational hazard of volunteering at an animal shelter--and Larry often complained that the household dog population was too high. Plus, this dog was huge--it would be like adding two more dogs to our menagerie! But I didn't argue; I was pleased that Larry wanted a dog for himself.

So Beau joined our family. It wasn't easy at first. He had physical problems that made it difficult for him to gain weight. He was too skinny, yet couldn't digest any fats. His digestion was, to put it mildly, finicky. All that was certainly difficult, but his behavioral problems were even more troubling.

To our dismay, we soon learned that Beau had been "reverse house-trained." He consistently messed in the house and then stood by the door, waiting to go outside. We figured out that his first family had not given him regular opportunities to visit the great outdoors. Then, when he made the inevitable mess inside, they would get mad at him and throw him out the door. He was an intelligent dog and made the obvious connection: Go to the bathroom and then you get to go outside. We had quite a time convincing him it actually worked better the other way.

But what was worse was his utter lack of interest in people. He loved the other dogs, but had no use for the two-legged members of his new family. In my experience, German shepherds were just like that. I thought of them as "big, impersonal dogs," and didn't feel hurt by Beau's coldness. Not Larry. He was deeply disappointed by Beau's aloof disinterest. It was the antithesis of his experience with Marc, whose devotion to Larry had been the stuff of family legend.

Over time, Beau got the hang of being housebroken and established his place within our canine foursome. His physical problems also gradually cleared up, and he eventually tipped the scales at 108 pounds. He was such a handsome dog that people constantly stopped us in the street to comment on his beauty.

Sometimes when I would see him lying sphinxlike in a patch of sun or running in the fields near our house, my breath would catch. He resembled a lion or some other majestic wild animal--his physical presence was simply magical. But still, his heart remained shut. He had no love to give to us. And when he looked at us, there was no spark of joy in his eyes. The lights were on, but no one was home.

What could we do? We did our best to love him and hoped we might reach him someday.

Then one day about four months after we got him, I glanced at Beau and was startled to see that he was following Larry closely with his large brown eyes. He seemed to be studying him--learning what actions signaled a chance to go for a ride or presented the possibility of a walk, treat or a scratch behind the ears. It was as if he suddenly realized that people had things to offer him--things that might not be half bad.

His interest in all things Larry began to snowball. Swiftly, it became Beau's mission to keep an eye on my husband at all times to make sure he didn't miss any opportunities for doggy fun or excitement.

Larry didn't let him down. He knew what big dogs liked to do and where they liked to be scratched. He threw balls and sticks and took Beau to interesting places. Beau soon started whining if Larry left him behind. And when Larry finally returned from those solo jaunts, Beau was beside himself with joy. The floodgates of Beau's love had opened. The dry disinterest fell away and his heart began to bloom.

Today we call him Velcro Beau, because he sticks so close to Larry's side. Every day when Beau wakes up, he stretches his long body luxuriously and then finds one of us to give him his morning rubdown. He lays his ears flat against his head and shyly pokes his large nose against an arm. This beautiful big dog, overflowing with affection, lets us know he is ready for some serious lovin'.

I am grateful that although he is clearly Larry's dog, he has included me in the circle of his love. Often, while rubbing his large chest, I lean over and touch my forehead to his. Then he lifts his paw, places it on my arm and sighs with pleasure. We stay that way for a while, just enjoying our connection.

When we finish, Beau jumps to his feet, his eyes sparkling and his large tail waving wildly. It's time to eat or play. Or go to work with Larry. Or have some other kind of wonderful fun.

To our delight, that skinny, worried dog has become an exuberant and devoted companion. Beau knows that life is good when you live with people you love.

Reprinted of Carol Kline (c) 2004 from Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Marty Becker, D.V.M., Carol Kline and Amy D. Shojai.

Leaving Loneliness Behind

by Barbra Williams Cosentino, L.C.S.W., R.N.

Loneliness is a universal experience known to every human being on earth—single parents, teenagers, divorcees, and even the happily married. No one is immune. Even the rich and famous suffer from loneliness. Judy Garland once said, "If I'm such a legend, then why am I so lonely? Let me tell you, being a legend is all very well if you've got somebody around who loves you."

Many of us are probably lonely but are reluctant to admit it. We may feel ashamed and stigmatized by our loneliness and see it as a sign that we are unlovable or defective instead of recognizing it as an essential part of the human condition.

James Park, an existential philosopher, asks, "Is there a person who has never known the eerie distance of isolation and separation, who has never suffered the pain of rejection or the loss of love?" Park eloquently goes on to say that "Loneliness is an aching void in the center of our being, a deep longing to love and to be loved, to be fully known and accepted by at least one other person."

The Many Faces of Loneliness

Experts say there are several different kinds of loneliness.

• Emotional isolation springs from the absence of close emotional attachment. Dr. Robert Weiss of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a social scientist who did much of the seminal research on loneliness, describes emotional isolation as the terror of a small child who feels abandoned by his parents.
• Social isolation results from the lack of a social network. Dr. Weiss characterizes social isolation as the mind-set of a child who is bored and feels left out when his friends are unavailable at a given time. It's no coincidence that children often create imaginary companions to chase away their feelings of loneliness.
• Spiritual loneliness stems from a void within ourselves, a sense of feeling incomplete and unfulfilled even when we have many loving people in our lives. Mark Epstein, MD, a New York City psychiatrist, practitioner of Zen Buddhism, and author of Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, tells his patients that instead of fearing this emptiness, they should learn to embrace it. He writes, "Only when we stop fighting with our personal emptiness can we begin to appreciate the transformation that is possible. Only then can we have access to the still, silent center of our own awareness."

Although divorce, moving to a new state, or a child leaving home can cause feelings of loneliness and loss, feelings of loneliness are often based on an internal sentiment rather than an external reality. Even a socially active, "popular" person can feel emotionally isolated when surrounded by a roomful of superficial acquaintances with whom she lacks a true emotional connection. And people in a satisfying intimate relationship can feel lonely if they don't have a network of friends to turn to for support when their partner is physically or emotionally unavailable.

Embracing Solitude

Because aloneness is different than loneliness, we need to tune in to the unique pleasures of solitude. We need the freedom to devote hours to our passions, the opportunity for self-reflection and introspection, and space to engage in activities in which creativity gushes forth so that we are oblivious to the passage of time.

People who suffer frequently from loneliness find that it is often accompanied by a host of other negative emotions, including sadness, boredom, anxiety, restlessness, self-pity and a lowered sense of self-esteem. One lonely woman says, "I feel like my stomach is a big cheese with a little rat gnawing away at it—never making any progress."

Loneliness Can Be Bad for Your Heart

In his book The Broken Heart, Dr. James Lynch at the University of Maryland Hospital makes a powerful connection between social isolation and heart disease, pointing out that "reflected in our hearts there is a biological basis for our need to form loving human relationships."

Research reveals that people who live alone after their first heart attack are almost twice as likely to have a second heart attack or to die from heart disease than those who share a home. Studies also show that people diagnosed with breast cancer, malignant melanoma, and other potentially fatal diseases survive longer if they join a support group. These patients also show evidence of increased activity of "natural killer cells" which reflect improved immune functioning.

Tips for Combating Loneliness

To feel complete, we need to nurture a strong connection with our inner selves as well as all kinds of social connections—spouses, lovers, best friends, or mentors with whom we can share our most private thoughts and feelings. We also need casual buddies to "hang out with" (shopping pals and "let's see a movie" friends), and work or church acquaintances who share common day-to-day interests and values.

If you're lonely, here are some things to avoid:

• Isolating yourself or escaping into endless sleeping.
• Watching television excessively or surfing the internet for hours on end.
• Overindulging in food, alcohol, or drugs to numb the pain.

Here are some positive ways to deal with loneliness:

• Seek out people. If you're lonely due to a situational factor (recent divorce, job loss, or a move to a new community) realize that your feelings are transient. Give yourself some grieving time, and then seek out people who are in a similar situation. Find a support group, or join a community center, health club, theatre group, or religious organization where you can meet other people and share something in common. Explore chat rooms and websites for singles, divorced people, single parents, folks in recovery from substance abuse, and others who might be prone to loneliness.
• Build social skills. If you're chronically lonely because you're shy or don't relate easily to other people, brush up on your conversational or social skills. Force yourself to engage others in conversation (remember, people love to talk about themselves, so ask plenty of questions) and go places where there will be people to talk with. Join a singles organization and get involved. If your loneliness has led to serious depression, see your doctor or seek psychotherapy.
• Be active. Participate in activities that you love. It's hard to be lonely when you're smashing a tennis ball back and forth or soaring down a ski slope. It's also likely that you'll meet people who enjoy the same kinds of things you do. Ditto for volunteer work.

RESOURCES:

Opening to Grace
www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/G-LONE.html

Self-Help Magazine
http://www.shpm.com

Solo for Singles
http://www.solosingles.com