Finally, some good news: an Italian sex researcher claims he can tell a woman’s personality from the size and shape of her breasts. He has categorized breast types according to fruits and says men can draw up their own horoscope-type chart that indicates what a woman’s chest size says about her. Of course we at Standard Madness feel rather compelled to spread the word about this breakthrough discovery and throw in a couple of examples from the world of celebrities for exemplification, verification and for our World of Warcraft playing readers.
Melons
Gotta love the melons! According to the study melon-shaped jugs while nice, large and round determine a somewhat unexpected personality pattern: a woman possessing said assets likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired, but seldom likes sex. Ouch.
Celebrity example: Christina Hendricks
Big, round, melon-shaped, natural, ample, delicious looking? Checked. She’s a size 12 so she evidently likes to eat, she said so herself. And she’s married to the these snozberries taste like snozberries dude from Super Troopers so that pretty much solves the sex-life mystery.
Grapefruit
Grapefruit shaped boobs. Never heard of them before, but after some intense research, we have a brief description: pert and firm. It looks like a chick who’s got the grapefruits may look erotic, but in reality is bashful and homely. She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex.I’ll pass.
Celebrity example: Katherine Heigl
She does look erotic, no doubt about that and her rack certainly fits the description, but will she fit into the category personality wise? It seems so after we read this interview of her from back in 2007.
Pineapple
Breasts that are oval-shaped, pert and not too small remind the Italian researcher of pineapples. He says A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly. Looks like a home run.
Celebrity example: Scarlett Johansson
Pineapples are my new favorite fruit. After a bit of research I discovered that the one celebrity who’s got the pineapple shaped honkers is Scarlett Johansson. Pineapple boobs – checked. Intelligent – checked. Has career – totally. She’s also a long term relationship type of person so it’s all there. For a more in depth Scarlett Johansson analysis, check out our semi-scientific tribute.
Cherry
The cherries are entertaining and intelligent. Make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday and are moderately interested in sex. If moderately interested in sex means there’s a chance she might actually consider giving you a chance, then it appears the cherries are a very interesting option.
Celebrity example: Milla Jovovich
Of course Milla Jovovich is entertaining and intelligent. She appealed to our geek core with her blockbuster roles in The Fifth Element and the Resident Evil series and we are entertaining and intelligent too. As for her moderate interest in sex, Milla is a family girl and those of us with families would probably describe their wife’s interest in sex as moderate, right? We’ll just approve of this one too.
Lemon
The pert and prominent adorable lemon shaped bazookas are an optimal choice for those of us who enjoy fun, study suggests: Men who want someone a bit more lively they should choose a woman with “lemon” breasts – pert and prominent. These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves. They want a balanced life without surprises. No one like surprises, right?
Celebrity example: Natalie Portman
Oh beautiful Padme. Natalie Portman is one of the very few celebrities that published in the field of advanced mathematics. She’s also very politically involved and actually makes some valid points. Fun? She loves to party, drink and indulge with Carvel ice cream cake. And yes, she has pert, prominent, small-ish, lemon-shaped boobs.
Orange
Round, hard, palm-size breasts are dreamy. The disappointment comes when you read about the type of personality they indicate. According to our study, a chick with orange shaped boobs is self-confident and knows her goals, she has little interest in sex. She likes conversation and partnerships. Probably a great business partner?
Celebrity example: Jessica Alba
One of the sexiest celebrities in the world, Jessica Alba is a cerebral and mature actress who will have an important role on the entertainment stage in years to come. She is indeed self-confident, but surprisingly not for her striking good looks, but more for her acting abilities and her intellect. She got engaged as a virgin in the early 2000s, has only been in two relationships, she’s a family woman and she prefers older man, because they are the right life partners for her. Perfect match and another win for Mr. Italian Researcher.
Pear
A woman with pear-shaped breasts loves love in all its variations. She can be very religious, but is known to have affairs. This seems a little bit far-fetched, especially about the religious part. What is indisputable about pear shaped bodies (you know -wide, ample hips and breasts and narrow waist and shoulders) and especially about pear-shaped boobies is that they look absolutely gorgeous and raise a guy’s attraction the quickest.
Celebrity example: Mariah Carey
Perhaps not your favorite singer in the whole world, Mariah Carey is exponential for the body type we’re talking about and she does kinda resemble a sweet, juicy pair. With her inclination for adventures and flings (Eminem is just an example of that), Mariah is also a very devout Catholic so the study nailed it again.
Conclusion – We are not sure if we agree with these findings and we think breasts are beautiful no matter what shape and size they come into. The information above should probably be taken as a pamphlet and an attempt at comedy rather than literally, especially since the Italian researcher studied personality and ended up talking about sex pretty much all over his discoveries. However, should there be any female research assistants willing to help us test these claims, we are now accepting applications via email. Cheers!
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