The Doctor Q&A

Q:  Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular  exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your   heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's  it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying  you can extend  the life of your car  by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your   system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good  source of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A:  No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is  distilled wine, that means they take the  water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even  more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise  program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  
My philosophy is:  No Pain...Good!
 

  Q:  Aren't  fried   foods bad for you?  
A:  YOU'RE NOT  LISTENING!!!  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for   you?

Q:  Will sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little  soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a  bigger stomach.

Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?  
A:    Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans!  Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:    Is swimming good for your figure?  
A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q:   Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?  
A:   Hey!  'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And   remember:
'Life should  NOT be a  journey to the grave with the intention  of arriving safely in an attractive and well  preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways -  Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the  other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out  and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a   Ride'
 
 AND
For   those of you who watch what you eat, here's the  final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting  nutritional  studies.  
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer  fewer  heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer  heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Americans.

4. The  Italians drink  a lot of  red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
being American is  apparently what kills you.