10 Tips for Kinder Speech

In our media-driven society, it's easy to forget the awesome power of words. Words have enormous power to hurt or to heal, to make or break reputations, to uplift or degrade another human being. In this way, the words we speak literally change the world and how we view the people in it. Here are 10 ways to improve the world and ourselves through channeling our power of speech for the good.

Avoid Gossipmongers

Ancient Jewish sages said, "Gossip kills three: the teller, the listener, and the subject." The damage spreads like wildfire, with chronic tale-bearers ultimately becoming negative, someone others mistrust. The gossip victim's reputation is sullied, often unfairly. And the Talmud says that the listener is most damaged of all, because he alone had the power to turn away or change the subject, helping to stop the defamation of a third party. Remember, they don't call gossip "dirt" for nothing.

Talk About Ideas, Not People

Talking about ideas can elevate, educate and stimulate, but talking about people easily becomes "lashon harah," literally, "bad talk" in Hebrew. Once you are discussing "Mary," it's just too easy to start judging her outfit, her last boyfriend, her tendency to wear too much perfume. Speaking poorly of others can make us smug and self-satisfied, and less inclined to focus on improving ourselves.

Think Before You Speak

We are so eager to talk that we often forget to ask ourselves: who will benefit from what I am going to say? Could somebody's feelings be hurt, or their self-esteem damaged, if I make this comment or observation? Ask yourself these questions and you may save others pain through needlessly hurtful words.

Use Your Words and Your Smile to Uplift Others

Even confident people carry some feelings of self-doubt or worries about their family, relationships, or work. Look for opportunities to share a kind word or compliment not only with family and friends, but with store clerks, parking attendants, and others whom you meet during the day. Your kind words and your smile just might make someone else's day.

Truth Is No Excuse

Even if gossip is true, such as that your neighbor is about to lose her job, don't spread the news. In most cases, it probably isn't your business anyway. Just as important, we need to practice verbal self-restraint and fight the human tendency to take satisfaction in peddling news about another's misfortune.

Judge Others Favorably

Look for the good in other people, even when it's difficult. Perhaps they are going through a difficult personal challenge, or just had a bad day. This will make it less likely that you will gossip about them after a negative interaction.

Don't Badmouth Yourself, Either

Jewish wisdom teaches that in addition to not slandering others, we must not slander ourselves either. Mild self-deprecation is one thing, but broadcasting your shortcomings or slamming yourself verbally may lead to feelings of self-loathing. Your negativity may also make others avoid you. Use your awareness of your weakness as a stimulus for growth, and tell yourself that you can and will do better, one day at a time.

Change the Subject When Gossip Begins

Whipping out your family photos or looking for the earliest opportunity to change the subject may derail the gossip train. And even if the gossiper finds a more willing ear elsewhere, at least you won't have been an accomplice. Stuck listening to gossip with no visible means of escape? Don't criticize the gossiper; just try to suggest a happier topic as soon as possible.

Share Bad News Only If You Must

Sometimes you must share negative reports with others if the stakes are high enough: the Torah condones sharing what you know about another person if it involves a potential marriage or business partner. But you must be certain of your facts, not exaggerate, and have the other person's best interests at heart.

Be Careful With Praise

Praising the beauty of a friend's new diamond necklace in front of a third party who could not afford such a thing could easily create feelings of envy and resentment. Congratulating a new mother on her baby can bring tremendous pain if said in front of a childless couple. Look around before you lavish praise or congratulations. Others are listening.