Novels, love songs, and movies rarely delve into the ins and outs of married life after the wedding gifts have all been opened. If the entertainment media remains silent on how to maintain wedded bliss, do researchers have any answers? What makes marriages last? And what makes a marriage a happy one?
Attitude and Personality
Investigators at the University of Iowa compared 291 newlywed couples with pairs of randomly-matched people. Their study, which was published in the February 2005 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that the married couples were more likely to be similar in attitudes, values, and beliefs than the randomly-matched pair.
However, the married couples were not more likely than the unmarried pairs to have similar personality traits such as extroversion and conscientiousness. The results suggest that holding similar values about equality, for example, is more important when choosing a mate than selecting someone who’s equally outgoing.
Surprisingly, the researchers found an opposite effect with marital satisfaction. Similar personality traits were related to marital bliss, but similarity in attitudes, values, and beliefs were not. Apparently, people are attracted to mates with similar attitudes, values, and beliefs, but once in a committed relationship and dealing with the challenges of daily life, personality factors become much more important.
How You Say What You Say
Researchers from State University of New York at Binghamton and several other institutions recently reported on the results of a four-year study of the effects of certain behaviors on marital satisfaction among 172 newlywed couples. The investigators confirmed that people who are skilled at problem solving during interactions and displayed positive feelings and good will (humor, affection, or interest) tend to have happy marriages.
In addition, the researchers showed that positive feelings and good will can actually overcome poor skills in problem-solving during interactions. The results suggest that learning how to solve problems during conflicts can make for a happier marriage.
Interestingly, a University of Washington study of 130 newlywed couples found that anger was not more common in marriages that became unhappy than the ones that remained happy. However, contempt, belligerence, and defensiveness during conflict were signs of future difficulty in the marriage. Newlywed couples that were gentle, soothing with each other, and responded neutrally to negative emotions were more likely to develop happy and stable marriages.
The Sex Factor
Everyone knows that good sex fosters happiness in a marriage. Or does a happy marriage makes for good sex? Turns out that the answer may be complex. Research has shown that happiness in marriage and in sex go hand-in-hand, but it’s not yet clear exactly how the two are related.
An investigator from the University of New Brunswick in Canada found that a drop in sexual satisfaction over the course of the 18-month study did not predict relationship satisfaction in long-term relationships. Similarly, a drop in relationship satisfaction was not predictive of sexual satisfaction.
Instead, what accounted—at least partially—for a drop in relationship or sexual satisfaction was poor communication. Individuals poorly skilled at having intimate conversations were more likely than good communicators to experience decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction over the course of the study. People skilled at intimate communications tended to report an increase in sexual and relationship satisfaction by the end of the study.
As researchers delve deeper into the realms of marital happiness, they seem to be confirming what the Russian philosopher Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy surmised a century ago:
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
RESOURCES:
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
http://www.aamft.org
Gottman JM, Silver N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press; 1999.
References:
Bramlett MD, Mosher WD. Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the United States. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat. 2002; 23(22).
Byers ES. Relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction: a longitudinal study of individuals in long-term relationships. J Sex Res. 2005; 42:113-8.
Gottman JM, Coan J, Carrere S, et al. Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. J Marriage Fam. 1998; 60: 5-22.
Johnson MD, Davila J, Rogge RD, et al. Problem-solving skills and affective expressions as predictors of change in marital satisfaction. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2005;73:15-27.
Luo S, Klohnen EC. Assortative mating and marital quality in newlyweds: a couple-centered approach. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2005; 88:304-326.
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